33Seattle, United States
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My self-summary
It seems that discretion, moderation and tact are rewarded in this arena. It's no place for flamboyance, or raw earnestness. Fuck that shit. I prefer to furnish unapologetic, unabridged torrents of myself for your amusement and/or bemusement. I'm not one for grandiloquence; sincerity, even at my peril, is the name of my game. You're invited to venture within, (potential) internet friends.

I'm a financially inept idealist with aspirations to explore the universe, while exercising my humanity within it. I can't deny that I've found the mysteries of existence enduringly seductive, though my academic odyssey has been torrid and rife with discontinuity. I plan on going back to school for Physics, once the requisite logistics fall into place. It's the closest possible thing to going to Wizard School, except you can never bathe or sleep. I want to be on the cutting edge of ideas and pursuits that could fundamentally change our understanding and mastery of reality. Yes, I figured this out without smoking anything. Ideally, I'd like a day job as a researcher of high energy/particle theory, which would encompass things like string theory and its derivatives. By night I will rock the fuck out.

I love music with a passion; it is life, and I plan on making it an active part of mine, even if that means simply continuing to write about it and go to a positively prodigious amount shows. I don't discriminate by genre and have never been able to hone in on a single type of music to pursue creatively. If anything, music production is probably the route for me, since I'd be able to work in a variety of genres. I'm a scene bandit, and everyone who makes and supports good music is part of the same scene.

Listening to shitty music because someone told you it's cool doesn't make you an ironic uber-hipster, it makes you an idiot. I absolutely don't care who takes offense with that. I'd rather listen to Gilbert Gottfried rake a car alarm across a blackboard, then shove the whole thing up the butt of a screaming cat. Like any art form, music is incredibly personal, but there absolutely exist vast swaths of aural "stimulation" that are objectively capitalistic horseshit. If you're listening that sort thing (or all too often subjecting every hapless soul within earshot to it) as a fashion statement, not because you derive sincere pleasure from it, then you've failed. Also, clubbing is for douchebags; shows are for people who know how to live.

I enjoy ufology, cryptozoology and other fortean fields often consigned to the "pseudoscience" academic waste bin. Some day, I'd like to publicly try to take some of the stigma and taboo out of these subjects. There's a lot more to the universe than we perceive and understand, and we need smart people thinking about these things. If you disagree, then you're a philistine and you should wear more tinfoil. I'm neither a staunch, skeptical jerkoff, nor a card-carrying member of the "I want to believe" club; balanced skepticism and a scientific mindset is the right way to approach these things.

At the risk of sounding completely full of myself, I'm probably one of the nicest people you'll meet. I have so many karma points that the universe has hit an integer overflow. I'm a mensch, you schmuck! Fuck politics, fuck religion, fuck money, fuck law; can't we all just do the right thing? The fact that these things give our society structure and motivation (particularly money) and/or sow depravity and tragedy (particularly religion, not to confused with personal spirituality) is depressing. Star Trek is how the galaxy should be. Well, except for those Borg assholes.

A successful life is about art, passion and love. Don't confuse passion for obsession and love for lust. And don't confuse art for Kanye West; someone give that asshole a Grammy already, because he's clearly the best of the worst.

"Rock 'n' roll is a way of life. I want to rock 'n' roll all night, and party every day."
- Sir Isaac Newton
What I’m doing with my life
If you see someone walking down the street, reciting Pi continuously, to an indefinite decimal place, that's me. Nobody fucks with me.

"Punk rock made me this way. I regret nothing."
- Stephen Hawking
I’m really good at
observational comedy, facebook vandalism, higher mathematics (terrible at lower mathematics), abstract/spacial reasoning, deduction (no pipe necessary), learning languages, sketching (boobies), fixing the malevolent computer machines in my life, 2D Capcom seizure-fests, dodging pink bullets, blowing that mysterious shit out of cartridges, button mashing on the Wii, dancing (hypothetically), playing music in my head all the fucking time

"You are the trailer park to my tornado. Fear the werewolf."
- Richard Feynman
The first things people usually notice about me
I'm not a very good ninja.

I'm a gentleman, I'm an asshole, I'm a stylish motherfucker, I resemble the world's most iconic perpetually awkward teenager to drunk douchebags, I resemble the world's most implausibly awesome scientologist to cool people, my musk, I'm a magnificent weirdo

My burden of celebrity hair-likenesses is formidable and ever-expanding. Pick any famous, slight, male with a flowing quasi-jewfro, and I'd wager some drunkard has screamed their name at me on a Saturday night. I have to say, my legitimate doppelgänger is definitely Nick Allbrook, former bassist of Tame Impala (the scarf dude in this picture). I actually received a few complements on a "great show," while exiting Neumos. The two of us should start a band with Ben Kweller; Michael Cera isn't invited.

The most bewildering comparison I've gotten, on multiple occasions, is...

Carrot Top.


I do not have red hair. Not even remotely. Alcohol doesn't exactly heighten people's senses, it would seem.

"Life is much too short not to be funky. I like to get funky."
- Albert Einstein
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: the internet

Internet: food

Food: music

Music: The Books

"I'm better than God. It's a fact."
- John Lennon
Six things I could never do without
0. the brazen will to subvert the rules
1. emerald cities
2. a veritable cornucopia of unreasonably cheap Asian cuisine
3. occasions to crowd surf with impunity
4. obsolete technology
5. gleeful profanity (but be judicious with your f-bombs)
6. the Drake Equation
6. dyscalculia
6. Satan

"Why do I wear this bicycle helmet at all times? 'Cause I'm a motherfucking genius."
- Kanye West
I spend a lot of time thinking about
necromancy, espionage, cryptozoology, copyright infringement, amateur martian cartography, cultural vandalism, hobo fashion, ontology, pugilism, vigilante justice, proctological haberdashery

"It's not sex without Morrissey."
- Sigmund Freud
On a typical Friday night I am
spelunking, kosak dancing, skydiving, jousting, bushwhacking, cock fighting, mind fucking, jay walking, dog sledding, squid wrestling, chainsaw juggling, cow tipping

"I'm an unstoppable locomotive of rock 'n' roll; choo-choo, motherfuckers."
- Nikola Tesla
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Whenever I see someone on the street wearing headphones, I imagine they're listening to "I'm Too Sexy," by Right Said Fred.

I have yet to find the secret chord, but I'd like to believe it dwells somewhere within the skronk and fuzz of a Ty Segall record:
Twins (2012)
Melted (2010)

"I hold my farts in."
- Thomas Edison
You should message me if actually read half the crap I wrote.'re not a pedophile:'ve never been the subject of Saturday night "science" experiment on 10th & Pike:'d like to weigh in on the polarizing subject of Kanye West and/or make sure I do, in fact, find him to be an epic douchebag and paragon of glorified mediocrity. want to be immortal like Patrick Stewart, not like Keith Richards.'d consider helping me relocate all the Bibles in a Barnes & Noble to the fiction section. agree that the Republicans are still Lincoln's party like U2 is still a good band. And also that U2 sucks now.

...your rapport with life in general is encapsulated within at least one of these songs:
Live Fast Die Strong
No Regrets/Land of the Freak
That Summer Feeling
On a Different Shelf
Love and Other Planets
Keep Love As Your Golden Rule

...this shit makes, or has made you, a better human being:

Rest assured, I WILL read whatever you send me. If I don't reply, it's not because I think you're a douche; I may be that I'm not particularly compelled by you message, but sometimes I just fuck these things up. Evidently, you're somewhat more likely to get an expedient response if you insult me, for some reason. Kind words are always appreciated, even if I never get around to expressing it on the Internet.

My most salient, unconditional deal-breaker is the pathological incapability of appreciating real music. Honorable mention goes to religious fanaticism (science is real, deal with it) and Uggs, but they're probably pretty well covered by my cardinal rule.

I may have made a mockery of my side panel, but I was, in fact, serious about being drug and alcohol free. I don't give crap what you partake in, so long as it's in reasonable moderation and doesn't involve anything abjectly destructive. I also did, essentially, drop out of Space Camp.

If you feel like stalking me instead, then head on over to twitter:

Do it; I don't give a damn.

"Yes, I'm old enough to be here."
- Me
- Nick Allbrook
- Ben Kweller
- Beck Hansen
- Jay Reatard
- Kurt Vile
- Michael Cera
The two of us