It also says: "When were you born? You must be 18."
So to be helpful I say I'm 18. But I'm not really. In fact I'm just about old enough to be my own father, now I come to think about it. I won't think about it for long though.
I claim to have an unusually elongated sternum. (Not coccyx, sternum. Or rather xiphoid process. Yes, that's it.) According to the Babemba people of Kasama, this is a sure sign of phenomenal sexual potency. According to the Bamana people of Koulikoro however, it suggests tendency to self-delusion.
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap,
[To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday at twelve o' clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cry, simultaneously.]
but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.
I am darkling, philosophical, and a good spellor
OK that's enough of that.
Bit ambiguous, that.
(A) The Master and Margarita (Bulgakov), alternatively The Dice Man (Rhinehart), or how about a slice of Evelyn Waugh or Nabokov? Is there perhaps some reason you'd expect me to add The Catcher In The Rye here? Just wondered. (Bonus points available.) (B) Kind Hearts and Coronets or maybe something by Powell and Pressburger eg I Know Where I'm Going although there's much to be said for Jean de Florette and Manon des Sources and Cinema Paradiso and many things involving Cary Grant or Greta Garbo. And how about Fred Astaire? Well, of course! (C) Classical music, for instance the Goldberg Variations of JS Bach or the late Beethoven piano sonatas*, while a spot of instrumental jazz or fusion doesn't necessarily go amiss, such as John McLaughlin or Acoustic Alchemy. Some rock or pop is ok. (D) A perfectly ripe Doyenne du Comice pear - very juicy, so best eaten in a big bath with plenty of bubbles
*Meaning the piano sonatas Beethoven composed late in life, not piano sonatas composed by the late Beethoven, though I suppose that's true too.
Contrary to popular belief, the best of classical music tends not to feature in television adverts, nor as corporate listen-to-this-while-we-keep-you-waiting-and-paying-for-it muzak, nor yet in Classic FM's "Most Relaxing Greatest Relaxing Cool Classic Relaxing Hits"
Further Useful Information
The Da Vinci Code is what is technically known as fiction. This means it is Stuff That Someone Made Up.
A couple of quotes, approved by me, for luck:
"Truth is great and will prevail if left to herself... she is the proper and sufficient antagonist to error, and has nothing to fear from the conflict, unless by human interposition disarmed of her natural weapons, free argument and debate; errors ceasing to be dangerous when it is permitted freely to contradict them." - A Bill for Establishing Religious Freedom in Virginia, drafted by Thomas Jefferson in 1777
"Our particular principles of religion are a subject of accountability to our god alone. I enquire after no man's and trouble none with mine; nor is it given to us in this life to know whether yours or mine, our friend's or our foe's, are exactly the right." - Thomas Jefferson to Miles King, 26 September 1814
"Cela est bien dit, repondit Candide, mais il faut cultiver notre jardin." [roughly: "That is all very well," answered Candide, "but let us cultivate our garden."] - Voltaire, "Candide" (1759)
I think this (for example) is funny:
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
And surely so is this:
The scene is a theatrical producer's office
Peter: Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.
Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg
Peter: Mr. Spigott, I believe?
Dudley: Yes, Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter: Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now Mr. Spigott, you are I believe auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Peter: Now Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley: You noticed that?
Peter: I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Peter: And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Peter: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley: Very true.
Peter: Well Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley: Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter: Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley: The leg division?
Peter: Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said 'A lovely leg for the role.' I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley: You mean it's inadequate?
Peter: Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley: I see.
Peter: However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying 'Get out. Run away'.
Dudley: So there's still a chance?
Peter: There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley: Well... thank you very much!
Peter: So my advice is: hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you. Good morning, Mr. Spigott.
He shows Dudley out
That was not only Peter Cook but also Dudley Moore. And there is much to be said for Paul Merton. And there is something to be said for Sacha Baron Cohen aka Bruno or Borat or Ali G. Some other stuff for possible search purposes: things which are FREE! failing which CHEAP! though regrettably this is rarely true of a decent piano... patterns - improvisation - making things work - dogs - cats - parrots - sloths - bears - anteaters - natural history - (unnatural?) history - not least the Enlightenment and the Napoleonic period - David Hume - Thomas Paine - free speech - civility - science - Karl Popper - Richard Feynman - Carl Sagan - Martin Gardner - David Deutsch also Patrick Leigh Fermor - true heroism (very rare) - debunking - myths - archaeology - gardens - characterful trees including eucalyptus - rock pools - grainy stone and grainy wood - wine - cheese then more wine - fungi - cooking... painting - stained glass - architecture - astronomy as opposed to astrology - Shakespeare - The Spectator - Private Eye - sea - islands - lakes - mountains - "hello clouds hello sky" chiz chiz - cycling - golf - tennis - cricket - rugby - football - fireworks - magic as in illusion - Houdini - evanescent bubbles... by contrast the eternal or at least timeless - and skepticism of whatever is currently fashionable to think... which I also selflessly recommend to others
On a Typical Friday Night you are neither thinking about time nor sex