"If you didn't come to party, don't bother knockin' on my door."
I am still having serious Prince feelings.
tl;dr: cute queer looking for other cute queers for hot makeouts. Hairless twinks encouraged to apply within.
My dance card is currently full (sadly, not only of dances, but also terrible things). Odds of me having time to meet new people, as well as see all the people who are currently important to me, are very slim. I apologize in advance.
I'm a filthy cute queer girl, who really enjoys making out with other cute queers. And gay boys; I like nothing better than a flirty, possibly drunken, makeout session with a hot gay boy or three. This happens more than one would expect (and as of my last trip, internationally, no less), but not as often as I'd like. Though I'm especially into queers of all genders (or none; whatever floats your boat), I'm open to respectful, awesome straight boys, as well. I know you're out there, notwithstanding mountains of evidence to the contrary.
So. My username is pretty accurate in explaining what I'm looking for: steady* play**.
Hold on, there. I am not saying I'll fuck you immediately, regardless of whether or not we can stand each other (I stopped being searchable by "casual sex," for a reason). I actually like to respect and befriend the people I have sex with, and it's imperative that they respect me, as well. In fact, just to be absolutely clear, I'm going to list a bunch of deal-breakers, just so we don't waste each other's time.
- If you write a one-liner, I'm just going to delete it, even if you're a 90% match. I put a fair amount of time and effort into telling you about me; ergo, I appreciate when you put some time and effort into telling me about you. If you want to let me know we have "similar interests," please be specific; it makes it much easier for me to write back. Also, it makes it easier for me to think you're awesome, and then we both win. Seriously, when you write, "sup sexy," what I read is, "I'm an illiterate asshat."
- This is, inherently, hilarious. Please be able to see the humor in this situation, and be comfortable with yourself. We're adults here.
- The robot has proved to be pretty smart; if we're below 80%, it's probably not going to work out.
- Don't be a douchebag.
- I'm a grammar nerd. Big words and appropriate punctuation turn me on. Seriously. Meaning that if you can't spell and don't know how to use apostrophes, I'm probably not writing back.
- I'm also a smartypants. I have a soft spot for nerds and geeks.
- I wear glasses and stripey tights. I have pink and turquoise streaks in my hair. I am not mainstream attractive, though I am pretty hot. I feel really good about this; I'm not fishing for compliments, so please don't write to me and tell me I *am* mainstream attractive. I don't particularly want to be; also, you're lying.
- I know this sounds obnoxious; I'm weeding you out.
- I'm a smart, funny, sex-positive person. You should be, too.
- I'm non-monogamous. I have some sweethearts who aren't going anywhere; I don't expect you to ditch your sweeties/lovers/partners/whatever phrasing you prefer either.
- Like douchebaggery, if you happen to be racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, or just a garden-variety bigot, please be able to keep this to yourself; I don't want to know about it, and it won't get you laid.
- If you don't have a picture, send one; this is my naughty profile, so I'm allowed to be a little superficial.
- I don't shave my legs (you probably won't notice, but I'm letting you know in case it scares you off and saves me some time) or my armpits. I do wax other areas, because it's fun to play with body hair.
- I prefer to conduct my entire life in Brooklyn. If you want to meet in Manhattan, you'd better be pretty damn persuasive. If you want to meet in the south of France, however, I might be open to that. (Update: I am now working in Manhattan, so it's possible I can be persuaded to stay there for a few hours.)
- I do read the answers to your questions: don't be surprised if I tell you I'm not interested because you've said that being overweight is a dealbreaker and you think women are obligated to shave their legs and have sex with you (I am, I don't, and I won't, respectively).
- I have some fun hobbies and amazing friends that take up a lot of my time. I may not be able to meet up for a bit. I totally get that waiting around gets old, and I'm not mad at you for not wanting to, but I'm not going to cancel plans with friends to meet someone from the internet. I wouldn't expect you to, either. So maybe we can be super spontaneous and meet up right away, but it's more likely that we'll have to plan way in advance.
- I'm a little snarky and definitely sassy. Earnest is available, but comes later on.
- I don't fuck Republicans. I am a commie, pinko, queer, and while you don't have to be, it helps.
*"Steady" could mean every week or so, every few weeks, every month, or every few months. I'm not so into one-night stands; I prefer on-going play, as it gives us a chance to learn about each other and get to know each other's bodies.
**"Play" could mean smooching, fucking, making out, gently slapping you around whilst you do chores for me, snogging, or lots of other things; I'm pretty open-minded, and this certainly depends on whom I'm with.
Attempting to find cute folks I enjoy smooching.
Teaching myself to steer my bicycle without using my hands. I'm getting pretty good at this and can now go around corners.
Knitting: grown-up things for me, and baby things for my friends who are beginning to pop out babies.
Surfing whenever I get a chance. I love it more than anything.
6/16: I am about to embark on my first summer off in eight years; my Summer of Ridiculousness will commence in T-minus six days. UPDATE: The Summer of Ridiculousness began with a bang. I'm super pleased. It will end with a bang in T-minus three days. I am not pleased about the ending, but I am pleased about the bang(ing).
Leaving in the morning.
Scheduling future playdates.
Being really, intensely, spectacularly, sensitive; I've been told I'm amazing to watch.
Also, I like to surf, though I'm only "really good" for a beginner, not a real surfer. And I'm pretty darn good at knitting. I can also make amazing pie crust from scratch -- vegan or non: your choice.
Maybe the technicolor hair? Maybe the bike helmet if I've just arrived?
Recently, people have been stopping me on the street to talk about my hair so I'm going to guess it's the first thing they noticed.
I don't particularly like movies. Actually, I kind of hate most movies.
I've never had television as an adult. But if "shows," means Broadway, then yes, please.
I have fond memories of making out to Portishead and Prince in college. And if you want to make out to Prince right now, I'm kind of really wanting to do that at the moment; you can move to the front of the line. Not joking.
I like Thai, Indian, and Italian cuisines. I also like fancy French food. My favorite food in the world is cheese, and my favorite cheese is D'Affinois; I swear it's a religious experience. I'm also really enjoying my CSA tomatoes and berries at the moment.
Good silicone or water-based lube.
The ocean and a board to surf it (I don't *only* think about sex).
My glasses (contacts when I'm surfing).
A good book.
A healthy sense of the absurd (if you have one, too, I think that's charming).
My willingness to ignore someone else's arbitrary rules, while being perfectly comfortable with making up my own.
Surfing. I just got a new surfboard in a fit of unbridled enthusiasm and a totally undeserved faith in the abilities of the Rockaways to have slightly larger waves. My faith was not in any way rewarded.
Modern courtship rituals, particularly as they apply to online dating.
The sexual double standard and why folks are so anti-sex while being simultaneously obsessed with it. See also: Madonna/whore complex. Dudes, please get over this, stat.
How to make it clear that I'm looking for long-term lovers, when OkCupid insists on putting long-term dating and casual sex in different boxes. I decided to put this in my profile, so you have to read to find it, rather than keeping it as a searchable field. We'll see how that goes.
What the right number is. (I appreciate all of you who write to tell me it's 42, but I'm asking a different question. Thanks for letting me know you've read Douglas Adams, though.)
If I'll ever stop being scandalous just for the stories.
Whether or not my bottom cut-off age is a lie. Or, more superficially, how hot someone would have to be to make it a lie.
I prefer to hear from queers, regardless of gender. Solo folks in or out of relationships are great (I am perfectly happy to be a secondary, tertiary, or whatever); queer couples (or triads, or whatever) should definitely apply within. Hetero couples are fine, too, as long as you're amazing: I'm past the point where the novelty is enough. You straight dudes, wow. Someone's giving y'all a bad name; you should check yourselves. If you're a run-of-the-mill straight boy, keep on running, because there are probably straight girls out there who're cool with you. If you're not, and you're awesome, and you understand things like privilege and intersectionality, then, sure, drop me a line, because y'all are the new unicorns and I'm always down with exotic creatures.
Also, dirty bike punks = hot. My bike is not as cool as yours, nor am I as comfortable weaving in and out of traffic, but, damn, do I love to watch you do it. The other night, I almost stopped a dude and asked him if he wanted to make out, based solely on the way he rode his bike; such fluid grace, you'd think it was an extension of his body. Unfortunately, I lost him going down the Manhattan Bridge.
I'm into the idea of lovers who may only be in town intermittently, but with whom I have super-hot times when they *are* around. So if you're on the other side of the world, but you come to NYC every so often, feel free to write.
Most private thing: I <3 gay boys. Seriously. So if you've ever just wanted to try a girl, I'm your girl. Or if you want an audience whilst you make out with your boyfriend, drop me a line.
You are an adult with a sense of humor who doesn't think that sex is dirty and wrong (although it can be dirty and right).
You are patient, and understand that it may take a few days for me to write the thoughtful response you deserve, and won't bug me in the interim.
You're honest and respectful, and interested in exploring this adventure with a like-minded fellow traveler.
You're a photographer who will take new pictures of me; mine are all old and don't make my hair look as awesome as it does.
You have cheeks, even in the middle of winter. You usually have cheeks, but it's the middle of winter and it's cold, and you will shave once the snow is all gone (or whatever metric you use to know that winter is over).
You're a gay boy.
You're two gay boys.
You're a gaggle of gay boys.
You can craft an introductory email with actual sentences, complete with subjects, predicates, and punctuation (especially apostrophes). I really appreciate emails that are clearly written to me, and not just a cut and paste of the message you send to everyone. I know it's not easy -- I write to people, too -- but it *does* make you stand out. Clever, witty, and/or eloquent emails are a huge turn-on.
You're a dirty bike punk.
You understand that, while I'm happy to hear about you and your life and ideas via email, the same does not go for your penis. I don't want to know anything about him -- not his length, his girth, his hopes, his dreams, *nothing* -- until we meet in person, and I can decide for myself. Seriously. Please do not tell me about your penis. Thank you.
You live in Bed-Stuy or Crown Heights, and want to come over for spontaneous, late-night (or mid-afternoon) make out sessions.
You, too, are a commie, pinko, queer (any/all of the above).
You play trombone or another brass instrument. I have a theory I want to test out. (You still need to write in complete sentences, though. More than one.)
You're a sweet young thing who wants to be corrupted.
You're an adorable little boy (or boi) who will let me slap you around and do my laundry for me.
You have an active profile, because if you disable it, I can't write you back, and then we'll be sad. shirt_division, I'm looking at you ;)
You're above an 80% match, because that's where my filter is set; I won't even see your message if you're under 80% (until I get on an actual computer, which is rare). Also, the robot is smart.
All right, you got this far. This is where the good stuff is.
If we meet up and hit it off, I will most likely be willing to do one or a combination of the following:
+ be your booty call for an indeterminate length of time;
+ engage in BDSM with you (safe, sane, and consensual, of course);
+ fuck you and your partner(s);
+ guarantee high fun, low drama;
+ cook dinner with you before taking you to bed and fucking your brains out (if you'll help with dishes);
+ have sex with you in a public place;
+ schedule playdates with you several weeks in advance, to accommodate both (or all) of our busy schedules, and stick to it;
+ bring you to a sex party;
+ answer the door in a negligee;
+ be significantly more earnest that this profile suggests, but even less needy than said profile suggests;
+ fill in the blank.
Come on; let's get in some trouble together.