33Detroit, United States
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My self-summary
Let's get something straight: I'm fatter in person

My Snapchat is hautegauche but if you send me a picture of your downstairs business, I'll figure out who you are and send it to your mom. Try me.

If you see me and you're in Michigan, it's because I'm moving back to the area in a few weeks. I've been living in New Orleans for the last 8 years or so and I'm ready for a change, and I wanna see what's going on up there.

THIS PART IS IMPORTANT. If you send me a message that says "hey," or "hey sexy," or "hey beautiful," ad nauseam, I'm gonna ignore it. Seriously.

My bff is a pitbull named Church. I found him in the upper 9th ward of New Orleans after Hurricane Isaac, and he's really important to me. His presence is 100% non-negotiable.

I'm confrontational, a little pretentious, exceedingly un-diplomatic, impulsive, cynical, jaded, presumptuous, disdainful, and vain. However, I am also nurturing, caring, creative, lively, tender, sensitive, amiable, honest, loving, tough, loyal to a fucking fault, and given to caring for the underdog. I like to think things even out.

Ceci n'est pas une auto-résumé.
What I’m doing with my life
Basically living in my dogs' fart cloud for the rest of my life.

Being a gamer. Mainly console, but I've been known to jump into a PC game here and there (Like Terraria!), and some tabletop gaming is enjoyable as well (D&D, Settlers, Risk).

...I will OWN your ass at some Tetris. That's a guarantee.
I’m really good at
Editing, getting sick a lot, writing, painting, tripping over stuff, tripping over nothing, assuming the worst, calming people down, public speaking, cookin' shit, baking shit, pissing off cops, correcting people, karaoke, making out, being loyal, making a myriad of coffee drinks, driving in snow, making people blush, yelling really creative obscenities, and doing impressions of animals. Especially cats.

Know what else I'm good at? Making EPIC FUCKING NOVELS OF PROFILES.
The first things people usually notice about me
I'm pretty tall, I have "non-traditional" piercings, I'm "ethnically ambiguous", I usually smell awesome. So, probably one of those things.

I'm fat. I don't think that's an insult. It's how my body is shaped. I have curves, and I'm chubby, and I'm body-positive, and fuck you if you're not.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
(a) A few favorites: Steal This Book - Abbie Hoffman, Everything's Eventual - Stephen King, White Noise - Don DeLillo, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Diaz, The Beach - Alex Garland. Authors: Neil Gaiman, Craig Clevenger, Junot Diaz, Christopher Moore, Alan Moore, and a shitload of others I just accidentally deleted somehow /RAGEQUIT

(b) A Clockwork Orange, American Psycho, Ghost World, Reservoir Dogs, From Dusk Till Dawn, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Secretary, Sling Blade, The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou (I have such a boner for the Coen brothers), My Cousin Vinny, The Pick of Destiny, Shawshank Redemption, The Pianist, Talladega Nights (I'm serious), Dead Man, The Royal Tenenbaums.

(c) There's way too many to list here (Because then you'd be skimming. Nobody likes a skimmer.) You'd be hard pressed to give me a genre I can't name an artist that I love from. Here are a few: The Pallbearers, The Cramps, Immortal Technique, Fiona Apple, Outkast, Fat Stupid Ugly People, Black Flag, Erykah Badu, The Dresden Dolls, DRI, Thou, Supertramp, Ella Fitzgerald, Anal Cunt, Agent Orange, The Faint, NIN, Type O Negative, Off!, Boston, The Weeknd, Red Fang, Kylesa, Dwight Yoakam, Al Green, Foreigner, Dead Kennedys, Patsy Cline, James Brown, Municipal Waste, Timber Timbre, Childish Gambino, Magrudergrind, Weekend Nachos, The Queers, and RjD2. Got it? Most of all: Sean Na Na, TV On The Radio, Dax Riggs and Slim Cessna's Auto Club. WEEN. WEEN. WEEN.

(d) Lebanese, Indian, Sushi. Carrots with Annie's Goddess Dressing. Garlic in everything. Spinach erryday. Coffee. I drink so much goddamn coffee. Fruit and vegetables are the best things in the world. Except bananas. Fuck bananas.
Six things I could never do without
Six? Fuck the police. Here's some shit I'm into: Rain in the summertime, road trips and hashbrowns and fabric softener. The feeling of grass under your feet, jeans with paint on them, a good minty lip balm, and an awesome cup of coffee. Singing, decent Irish whiskey, getting letters in the mail, puppy breath, brass bands, writing with a really good inkpen, bonfires, happy pit bulls, swamps, thunderstorms, Christmas lights when it's not Christmas, Christmas lights when it is Christmas, and sentence fragments.

Six things I could do without: People who are shitty to service industry personnel (You're going to hell), bananas, white-people-dreadlocks, chewing with your mouth open*, breed-specific legislation, and whistles.

"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds." -George Carlin

*If you chew with your mouth open, it's a problem. It won't work. I know it's ridiculous, but the sound... the sound. It makes me angry and panicky. It's called misophonia. Sorry not sorry!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Taking a shower, what color I should dye my hair next, things I want to smell like, what I smell like right now, makeup, the complete subjugation of drama, physics (seriously), arguments, whether or not I can live on tortilla chips/hummus/coffee.

Throwing all my shit into the trunk of a vehicle and running away. I would say I'm thinking about that last one about 80% of the time I'm awake. Probably a good portion of the time I'm sleeping, too.
On a typical Friday night I am
Working. I'm a bartender and bouncer.

That means I'll either pretend to like you for money, or I won't pretend to like you at all. I need to see your ID.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car, I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby my head was so big they did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan and it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Okay, seriously though. I don't shave my armpits and I don't care how you feel about it. I have psoriasis. You might notice it, depending on the current severity. No, it isn't contagious. Don't be a dick about it, please.
I lost my virginity to a Juggalo (still ashamed).
I hate anime.
You should message me if
If you'll shit on my chest for good luck.
*NOTE: I definitely don't actually want you to shit anywhere near me.*

If you're looking for a wife straightaway, this is probably not the profile you're looking for, but good luck.

I realize some people may see it as counter-intuitive, but even if you're super hot and DTF and everything, I'm not interested in someone I can't get along with! I mean come on, I'm a girl on OkCupid. I can afford to be choosy.

I don't abide bigots- racists, misogynists, sexists, homophobics, transphobics, whatever. I don't want anything to do with people who fit these qualifications. Non-negotiable!!
The two of us