It's cool, just send me a message. I can't punch you from here. For best results, make it better than "Hey" or "Hey (sexy, beautiful, insert other adjective)."
My best friends are my ex-partners, and are very much a part of my life in many different ways. We have awesome relationships. If that bothers you, you don't have to read any further, and I won't hold it against you. Good luck!
My other best friend is an American Pit Bull Terrier named Church. I found him in the upper 9th ward, in the wake of Hurricane Isaac, and he's really important to me.
Sometimes simple things are the best things in the world. Rain in the summertime, road trips and hashbrowns and fabric softener. The feeling of grass under your feet, jeans with paint on them, a good minty lip balm, and an awesome cup of coffee. Singing, getting letters in the mail, puppy breath, brass bands, writing with a really good inkpen, bonfires, happy pit bulls, swamps, thunderstorms! Christmas lights when it's not Christmas! SENTENCE FRAGMENTS!
I'm confrontational, a little pretentious, exceedingly un-diplomatic, ridiculously impulsive, cynical, jaded, presumptuous, disdainful, and vain. However, I am also nurturing, caring, creative, lively, tender, sensitive, amiable, honest, loving, tough, loyal to a fucking fault, and given to caring for the underdog. I like to think things even out.
Ceci n'est pas une auto-résumé.
I am fuck, shit, and stacked
Speaking of dogs: walking them. I'm self-employed and a business owner. I walk dogs and pet-sit to earn my livelihood… I have to admit, it's pretty great. Actually, it's really great.
Being a gamer. Mainly console, but I've been known to jump into a PC game here and there (Like Terraria!), and some tabletop gaming is enjoyable as well (D&D, Settlers, Risk).
...I will OWN your ass at some Tetris. That's a guarantee.
Know what else I'm good at? Making EPIC FUCKING NOVELS OF PROFILES!
I'm fat. I don't think that's an insult. It's how my body is shaped. I have curves, and I'm chubby, and I'm body-positive, and fuck you if you're not.
(b) A Clockwork Orange, American Psycho, Ghost World, Reservoir Dogs, From Dusk Till Dawn, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Secretary, Sling Blade, The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou (I have such a boner for the Coen brothers), My Cousin Vinny, The Pick of Destiny, Shawshank Redemption, The Pianist, Talladega Nights (I'm serious), Dead Man, The Royal Tenenbaums.
(c) There's way too many to list here (Because then you'd be skimming. Nobody likes a skimmer.) You'd be hard pressed to give me a genre I can't name an artist that I love from. Here are a few: The Pallbearers, The Cramps, Immortal Technique, Fiona Apple, Outkast, Fat Stupid Ugly People, Black Flag, Erykah Badu, The Dresden Dolls, DRI, Thou, Supertramp, Ella Fitzgerald, Anal Cunt, Agent Orange, The Faint, NIN, Type O Negative, Off!, Boston, The Weeknd, Red Fang, Kylesa, Dwight Yoakam, Al Green, Foreigner, Dead Kennedys, Patsy Cline, James Brown, Municipal Waste, Timber Timbre, Childish Gambino, Magrudergrind, Weekend Nachos, The Queers, and RjD2. Got it? Most of all: Sean Na Na, TV On The Radio, Dax Riggs and Slim Cessna's Auto Club. WEEN. WEEN. WEEN.
(d) Lebanese, Indian, Sushi. Avocado + sesame oil + sliced tomato + toast = heaven. Carrots with Annie's Goddess Dressing. Garlic in everything. Spinach erryday. Coffee. I'm not even kidding, I drink so much goddamn coffee. Sometimes I accidentally get dehydrated because I drink so much coffee. Fruit and vegetables are the best things in the world. Except bananas. Fuck bananas.
Six things I could do without: People who are shitty to service industry personnel (You're going to hell), bananas, white-people-dreadlocks, chewing with your mouth open*, breed-specific legislation, and fanfiction.
"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds." -George Carlin
*If you chew with your mouth open, it's a problem. It won't work. I know it's ridiculous, but the sound... the sound. It makes me angry and panicky. It's called misophonia. Sorry not sorry!
Throwing all my shit into the trunk of a vehicle and running away. I would say I'm thinking about that last one about 80% of the time I'm awake. Probably a good portion of the time I'm sleeping, too.
That means I'll either pretend to like you for money, or I won't pretend to like you at all. I need to see your ID.
Okay, seriously though. I don't shave my armpits and I don't care how you feel about it. I have psoriasis. You might notice it, depending on the current severity. No, it isn't contagious. Don't be a dick about it, please. I lost my virginity to a Juggalo (still ashamed). I hate anime.
If you don't care that (even though I have a temporary replacement), I'm missing my front tooth thanks to a hit-and-run while riding my scooter in the French Quarter.
If you're looking for Miss Right, a wife, or "someone to come home to", this probably isn't the profile you're looking for. Really. I'm not monogamous, and I don't believe in marriage.
I realize some people may see it as counter-intuitive, but even if you're super hot and DTF and everything, I'm not interested in someone I can't get along with! I mean come on, I'm a girl on OkCupid. I can afford to be choosy.
I don't abide bigots- racists, misogynists, sexists, homophobics, transphobics, whatever. I don't want anything to do with people who fit these qualifications. Non-negotiable!
***You probably won't get a reply if your message is any variation of just "Hey". If your message is just describing what you want to do to me in any sort of detail, you might get a response, but I bet you won't like it.