I frequently forget my wallet.
I expect my doors held.
I lie, cheat, and steal.
I carry ninja stars in my pocket for my common fits of jealous rage.
My dog matches my outfit.
My shopping addiction has ruined my credit.
I'll sleep in a hotel if I see a spider.
Beer tastes gross.
I'll drag you to anything starring Jennifer Aniston.
I consider myself a boring person.
I'll pinch my nose at your cigarette smoke and then ask for one later.
I'll complain 94% of my waking day.
I hate laughing.
I double park my car at every opportunity.
I talk on my phone while ordering coffee.
My dietary restrictions are written in 3 thousand page volumes (What to Eat, What Not to Eat, What to Criticize Others for Eating)
My love can be bought in 3 easy payments (plus shipping, handling, and my intrusive mother).
My personality can best be described as 'abrasive'.
Baseball is a waste of time.
Dudamel makes me yawn.
I can't see past my judgements of others.
I only make friends for my own advancement.
I have no soul.
I'm generally not interested in what you do.
I will not hold the elevator.
I'm mean to waiters.
California doesn't swing blue or red, everybody knows it's golden.
Motorcycles give me panic attacks.
I look nothing like my pictures suggest.
Most past relationships have restraining orders.
My nickname is 'Catfish'.
I eat with my mouth open.
I am entitled to (blank).
I take candy from babies.
The predominate color in my apartment is pink.
I'll exaggerate my yoga practice.
I laugh at the expense of others.
I will most likely crash your car.
I'm a sloppy drunk and fastidious with my abuse of substances.
I don't have a conscience.
People describe my voice as 'shrill'.
I'm always late.
My boredom is depressing.
I've got zero personality.
I have no desires or ambitions.
I don't share chores.
Fresh air makes me nauseous.
Your friends will wish you'd never met me.
Sometimes my humor doesn't translate.
I only like pickles chopped up in tuna salad.
I only like gin with pickle juice.
I have no desire to add gin to my tuna.
I hate the word 'random'. There. I said it.
Carrying a conversation.
Painting my nails (really fast).
Listening to stories/Telling stories.
Puzzles (the jigsaw type and others, too).
Making something out of nothing.
"Her hair suggests she just got out of bed."
2. If you've got your shit together. (Mostly).
3. If you get that 90% of this profile is bullshit.
4. If you're an astronaut lawyer cowboy. Period.
*note that these are not ALL requirements.