I am an extremely busy kid. I write for a newspaper and get to learn a lot of things. I used to write about pirates and sometimes astronauts, but now I write about politicians. In a way, I have the job every 12-year-old boy who knew they would never become a pro-athlete dreamed of.
I've seen a bunch of different places and met a ton of different people so I have a pretty varied perspective on things. I have couches to crash on all over the place.
I spend a hefty chunk of my free time in the woods. I can start a fire without matches and I can find my way around pretty well.
Or maybe my incredible walk.
Mr. Hemingway (his face is inked on my left shoulder... it kind of also looks like Sean Connery or one of my old housemates).
I really like, probably more than I should, Mexican food and Italian food.
Also, I sometimes think of ways to write meaningful paragraphs that end with rhymes.
I go hiking quite a bit, so sometimes I'm making sure I'm in a good condition to get an early start on Saturday morning. I can carry a pack over a mountain, no sweat.
Or I might try to train my dog how to stop pulling on her leash.
Also, I have a peg leg.
And a peg arm.
And a peg torso.
And (no shitting you) when I wrestled in high school the only other person in my weight class was a Samoan midget. I kicked his ass.
Also, if you're reading this carefully and paying attention, you'll notice that the section to the right, the one that reads "I'm looking for" only allows multiple choice answers. With that, if you rock, I can totally bend the rules.
Most importantly, I play this game called cliche-o-mation. I read your profile and I drink a shot for every cliche I see. If I don't message you back it's because I played the game and passed out. Don't worry, it's better for the both of us that way.
Here's why you should message me:
I'm extremely easy to get along with.
I treat people really well.
You can't sit still.
You enjoy awkward situations.
You don't correct people's grammar (because really, that's just an asshat move done by people who like to appear well-versed with no applicable knowledge to show for it. And I made this claim well before Bill Walsh.)
You don't bullshit.
You don't have pictures of yourself with a tiger cub/at the gun range/skydiving/at Coachella/at a color run.
You don't exaggerate how much you read.
Your favorite food is catsup, because I'll finally have someone I can relate to.
You don't care, or even admire, that I don't care about sports.
If you read this line and send me a message with the word "spaghetti" I will be very impressed. As a reward you may ask me one question and I promise I will answer it 100 percent truthfully. This line is in here for the same reasons Van Halen mentioned brown M&Ms in their rider.
You also invest heavily in human capital.
But don't message me if:
You don't like who you are.
You love to laugh, or have fun, or live life to the fullest, or one night you're out dancing with friends and the next curled up on the couch watching a movie. I'm sick of you people!
You talk smack about your friends.
You are insecure.
You're not humble.
Your default weekend plan includes a bar (not that there is anything wrong with bars. I like bars. It's just that I think that depending on bars limits experiences and creativity. Plus, I really don't like to have relationships - romantic or otherwise - where the only time we hang out we're drunk).
You break a sweat while walking indoors.
You have a stupid haircut. You know who you are.