26Los Angeles, United States
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My self-summary

Also spoilers

\/ TL;DR i am neither fuckboy nor basic bro and thats not necessarily a good thing.

HEY, I Love You! Specifically you and not anyone else reading this.

I hope you like mushrooms, cuz I'm a FUN GUY

I know your not good at doing bios, but if you could write something so i have something to open on, and maybe put it in code that only we understand so im not always the 100th guy just trying to get in your p***s that day to bring it up. You can also message me, if you read on i have provided a plethora of qwerks, idioms, and idiosyncrasies for you to zero in on

If i had to describe myself in one word it would be "Dictionary"

If you scroll down to the bottom you will see that my personality is less. Yeah this is the profile of a total basic bitch

I get stuck in loops because I keep right swiping till i find someone unattractive. It takes me a while, not because i have low standards, but because i see beauty in everybody

I know some guys get laid on this site, or like in general, but thats not what im about

I wrangle dinosaurs for a living

I know what I deserve, I deserve a real woman who will treat me like a Prince/Queen/God


Not really here looking for hookups

or even to get to know people.

just trying amusing myself to pass the time in the infinite monotony that is life

Not that I want to say life is meaningless, merely that it lacks definition.

Im not really serious about this, im really just a normal guy. With a brain capable of conceiving this weirdness. Truth is I've been easing you in. This is just the tip of the iceberg the real Freudian shit is lower on my wall of crazy. And you just thought I was a pretty face.

If you are down to Netflix and chill, I have been meaning to watch the new Gilmore Girls series but have to much of a penis to watch it unaccompanied.

But enough about me let's talk about you.
DESCRIBE YOURSELF HERE: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Back to me
- stable job
-bitchen ride
-no criminal history
-doesnt do drugs that arent cool

-service industry job
-white AF
-nerdy interests
-reading this far down speaks for itself
-willing to try drugs if they are cool
- doesn't know when to stop
-or more like i do know but cant stop myself
-penis is alittle too big
-and im a liar

Ok now that we know each other let me trust you with a fantasy: im tied to a chair and watch you get taken by a guy who is objectively better than me on every standard and after he brings you to heights i never could never hope to you pull a gun on me and say "only the strong deserve to live" and pull the trigger, and i die sans peace or epiphany or catharsis. Just violent and meaningless as nature intends. Or we could try butt stuff

Told you there would be weird stuff. Truth is this has gotten out of hand. This was supposed to be a simple mockery of online dating profiles. But as i kept adding shit it became clear that my train of thought will not be tamed. Nor will my hair. Or my animal brain. Or my reptile brain

"Is you is, or is you ain't my baby
Maybe baby found somebody new
A bibity bop boo
Is my baby still my baby true"

"so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?"

"say what you mean, and mean what you say. bItches be triflin e'ry day."

"People are a lot like assholes, they are more fun too have sex with when they are not full of Crap"

"It's about some cooze who's a regular fuck machine. I mean all the time, morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, whoa baby. This mother fucker's like Charles Bronson in 'The Great Escape.' He's diggin tunnels. Now she's gettin this serious dick action, she's feelin something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now. But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like the first time. The pain is reminding a fuck machine what is was like to be a virgin. Hence, 'Like a Virgin.'"

"All skeet skeet mutha fucka"

There are many sets of 2 types of people in this world

- Blues people and Jazz people
- John wayne people and Clint eastwood people
- Dirty dancing people and Footloose people
Mortal men and Immortals

Im an BCFI

Oh wow your still here. You must actually like me. Would you like to be my girlfriend and like make out and stuff. (Shit dude your coming off to strong. Stupid Stupid STUPID) like as friends. (Nice save, now i seem casual AF)
What I’m doing with my life
"Load sixteen tons what do you get, one day older and deeper in debt. When saint peter calls i cant get no rest. I owe my soul to the company store."

I could also quote the banana boat song.

One day ill quote one scotch one bourbon and one beer
I’m really good at
drinking, acting, cooking, plotting, scheming, lying, getting what i want
The first things people usually notice about me
I have been told that I am tall
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Oh geez who could say cause i like love books like so much that its hard to pick just favorites

I dont watch a lot of TV, because im like an adult and totally have better things to do, but I do try to find time to enjoy Supernatural, Gotham, Arrow, Flash, Daredevil, Iron Fist, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, Lethal Weapon, Gilmore Girls, Simpsons, Bob's Burgers, Family Guy, American Dad, detour, Adult Swim, South Park, Doctor Who, star trek, cartoons, WWE, Science Channel programming, whatever is on, and sometimes I really like to just chill out and watch some fuckin Bob Ross

The only thing I don't listen to talk radio and commercials

And my favorite food is a new experience

Also avocado and dr pepper
And i love the taste of beer
And steak and booze
Six things I could never do without
Nothing i never collect more attachments than i am willing to burn
I spend a lot of time thinking about
hypothetical scenarios that usually don't come to pass

How nice this profile was before i let it get away from me

Human Nature

the Futility of Trying to succeed


Narrative theory

The distribution of wealth and power

rights certain people are denied

On a typical Friday night I am
My idea of a perfect date involves dressing to the nines and and enjoying a night of Champaign and Opera. Or perhaps an art show, one that perfectly displays the Duality of man. And then at the eleventh hour we withdraw from these social affairs, and move to a more intimate setting, perhaps a hotel suite or a Cadillac. And i FAK DEM TEDDIES WILE SNORDIN KAYNE OFF JUR ASS BEYYYYYUTCH DEN I TOTAL DAT COUCHE IN THE WAY OF DA BEAST AN YO LIZZARD BRAYN TAKES OVER AN YU BEG FO MO MO MO MORE!!!!!!?!
Then i wanna look you in the eye and stare deep into your soul and drink in your being. Conjoining our spirits so as to release them to be free with the universe.
Then we grab some coffee and fuck some more

Or we could watch some movies, big or little screen it dont matter
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'll never admit anything

Ok sometimes i have trouble saying a number and hold up that many fingers, it used to be a joke but now its automatic.

One time i was hitting on this lady at a bar and she was a grandmother at the age of like 45. Wasn't a deal breaker. She talked nonstop about country music. Wasnt a deal breaker. She then 'told me how happy she was to have come out cause she was scared of', and then she wispered in my ear a racial slur. To my everlasting shame wasnt a deal breaker. She then turned me down cause i didnt like country. I think she went home with a black chick, good for her?

I also i suppose im scared that I'm neither intelligent nor strong. That any perceived specialness is an over compensation for crippling mediocrity.

I suppose it goes back to my childhood. I was the middle child of seven. attention was scarce so i craved it. I would try hard to entertain my family because thats how i felt i earned love. I realize now that was seeking a dopamine response which led to other highs to get over lows in the future

I guess thats why i love drinking. It was something I picked up easy, i am good at it. It feels good to be a heavy weight, a winner. It makes me feel like a rock star.

I seek highs because in my dark moments i fear i am not special, and if i am not special, i am worthless and therefore dont deserve to live

Also i dont know how to hold in my farts
You should message me if
you want to. If you think im cute. If you have tig ol bitties, or you have bitties of any sizes. You are willing to play my mother as well as my lover. You can provide me the validation i desperately need. If you are down to smoke wit cigarettes and do hoodrat stuff. If you are still reading. If you are rich and wanna buy my company. If you wanna try slip n slides sex. If you wanna try vanilla sex. If you dont have aids. If you do have aids but have the morning after cure shot on hand. If you have other drugs on hand. If you wanna teach me the love of jesus. If you wanna teach me the love of a woman. If you are not a flat earther. If you do believe the earth is flat but i got a shot. If you dick is not bigger than mine but you tits are. If you have a Nintendo. Or perhaps if you are not massively turned off by my over reliance on humor. Or if you are dtf and ddf and will p4p
The two of us