The following profile is long unorganized mess. It is not attractive and we are both better off if you just judge me purely by my looks and do what you need to do. It wasn't always so bad it was once short funny and i was having some success with it. So naturally i messed with it, until it became its present state. You would probably better enjoy giving your time to that rich fuckboy with abs who wants to know "wat sup" than read further down. You were warned
IGNORE THAT WARNING! Everything is fine, relax
\/ TL;DR i am a cool l, normal guy
HEY! YOU, I Love You! Specifically you and not anyone else reading this.
I hope you like mushrooms, cuz I'm a FUN GUY
Im just a Marv looking for his goldie
My friends would describe me as not their friend
I know your not good at doing bios, but if you could write something so i have something to open on, and maybe put it in code that only we understand so im not always the 100th guy just trying to get in your p***s that day to bring it up. You can also message me, if you read on i have provided a plethora of qwerks, idioms, and idiosyncrasies for you to zero in on
If i had to describe myself in one word it would be "Dictionary"
I don't shit where I eat. Ever! Unless i really i really need to take a shit. and my life has degraded to the point where the only time i leave the house is to go to the kitchen.
On that note something you should know: I let metaphors run wild until they lose thier meaning. I dont know if im still doing it on purpose.
I get stuck in meetme loops because I keep right swiping till i find someone unattractive. It takes me a while, not because i have low standards, but because i see beauty in everybody
I know some guys get laid on this site, or like in general, but thats not what im about
I wrangle dinosaurs for a living
I know what I deserve, I deserve a real woman who will treat me like a Prince/Queen/God
I'm DDF, DTF, BBC, BBQ, LOL, CIA, and NAFTA.
Not really here looking for hookups
or even to get to know people.
just trying amusing myself to pass the time in the infinite monotony that is life
Not that I want to say life is meaningless, merely that it lacks definition.
Why do we celebrate birthdays but not the anniversary of our conception. Actually we should celebrate the day and a half after our conception we beat out all the other sperm to the finish line for a chance of a lifetime. Prize being our lifetime.
Im not really serious about this shit, im really just a normal guy. With a brain capable of conceiving this weirdness. Truth is I've been easing you in. This is just the tip of the iceberg the real Freudian shit is lower on my wall of crazy. And you just thought I was a pretty face.
If you are down to Netflix and chill, I have been meaning to watch the new Gilmore Girls series but have to much of a penis to watch it unaccompanied.
But enough about me let's talk about you.
DESCRIBE YOURSELF HERE: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Back to me
- stable job
-no criminal history
-doesnt do drugs that arent cool
-service industry job
-reading this far down speaks for itself
-willing to try drugs if they are cool
- doesn't know when to stop
-or more like i do know but cant stop myself
-penis is alittle too big
-and im a liar
Ok now that we know each other let me trust you with a fantasy: im tied to a chair and watch you get taken by a guy who is objectively better than me on every standard and after he brings you to heights i never could never hope to you pull a gun on me and say "only the strong deserve to live" and pull the trigger, and i die sans peace or epiphany or catharsis. Just violent and meaningless as nature intends. Or we could try butt stuff
Told you there would be weird stuff. Truth is this has gotten out of hand. This was supposed to be a simple mockery of online dating profiles. But as i kept adding shit it became clear that my train of thought will not be tamed. Nor will my hair. Or my animal brain. Or my reptile brain
"Is you is, or is you ain't my baby
Maybe baby found somebody new
A bibity bop boo
Is my baby still my baby true"
"so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?"
"say what you mean, and mean what you say. bItches be triflin e'ry day."
"People are a lot like assholes, they are more fun too have sex with when they are not full of Crap"
"It's about some cooze who's a regular fuck machine. I mean all the time, morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Then one day she meets a John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like, whoa baby. This mother fucker's like Charles Bronson in 'The Great Escape.' He's diggin tunnels. Now she's gettin this serious dick action, she's feelin something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should be Bubble-Yum by now. But when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts like the first time. The pain is reminding a fuck machine what is was like to be a virgin. Hence, 'Like a Virgin.'"
"All skeet skeet mutha fucka"
A while back i had this dream where i was visiting home and my dog was there to greet me. Due to the lack of object permanence in dreams, when i turned around she was gone. Have lost a dog before that fear over the dream. I searched frantically until i nearly threw myself off the bed and woke up. The fear was gone when i woke up and i was able to have a think rational, i thought "oh yeah, she died in my arms years ago".
There are many sets of 2 types of people in this world
- Blues people and Jazz people
- John wayne people and Clint eastwood people
- Dirty dancing people and Footloose people
Mortal men and Immortals
Im an BCFI
When i was young i caught a frog, well a toad, and i kept it as a pet. For hours i played with that frog, i let it jump from my hand and chased it around the house. Let it jump from my palm and catch it in the other. I wanted to see its tongue so i open its mouth and pulled it out. Afterwards he didn't want to play with me anymore. Because he was dead. I killed him with my love. I probably cried but i don't remember, i do remember feeling like shit.
My first funeral i was even younger it was my mom's grandfather. I dont have any other memories of the guy and i was bored AF.
When i was in highschool my grandfather died of lung cancer. Now i love my grandfather and i miss him, but during his funeral and as he was dying and to this day i have never cried over his death nor do i feel a peace about it
The Christmas after i cried about not getting a video game i wanted.
When i was an young adult i heard about a childhood friend who was home from college for thanksgiving. He was playing basket ball and hit his head on something and died of an aneurysm. That shook me because he was hardly two years older than me, and people my age aren't supposed to die, not by natural causes. After that i lived pretty YOLO for awhile.
Unfortunately i wasnt cool and had no job so YOLO for me meant junk food and videogames and mindless web browsing. The modern me regrets this because while death is inevitable my life can still be impacted by the consequences of my choices.
As an adult i look back at that frog and laugh. Because it croaked
Oh wow your still here. You must actually like me. Would you like to be my girlfriend and like make out and stuff. (Shit dude your coming off to strong. Stupid Stupid STUPID) like as friends. (Nice save, now i seem casual AF)
At this point you may think "wow this guy is different, at the very least worth some interesting conversations" and you might even give me that most precious gift of first contact. If so then i must apologize, you i am extremely stand offish in textual conversations. Its like when get on stage and forget how to sing, you get loud qhen you mean to go higher. What im saying is im the online dating equivalent of a studio musician. And i am the bedroom equivalent of death and taxes, i come for you all (if you chuckled you have to like me now)
MORE weirdness on the full profile
In this weekly update i propose a new personality quiz to determine your KFM. Instead a bunch of tedious blade runner q and a, i present you with 3 subjects and you choose one to kill, one to fuck, and one to marry. Message me your pics and ill run them through my trusty computron 3000 and, based on the results, tell you if your a good person.
Brad pitt/george Clooney/ Harrison Ford
Bradley Cooper/ Mathew mcconaughey/ Paul walker (alive (unless you kill him))
Rachel /Monica/ Pheobe
Darth Vader/ Hitler/ Kahn
Your mom/your dad /and santa clause
I dont watch a lot of TV, because im like an adult and totally have better things to do, but I do try to find time to enjoy Supernatural, Gotham, Arrow, Flash, Daredevil, Iron Fist, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, Lethal Weapon, Gilmore Girls, Simpsons, Bob's Burgers, Family Guy, American Dad, detour, Adult Swim, South Park, Doctor Who, star trek, cartoons, WWE, Science Channel programming, whatever is on, and sometimes I really like to just chill out and watch some fuckin Bob Ross
The only thing I don't listen to talk radio and commercials
And my favorite food is a new experience
Also avocado and dr pepper
And i love the taste of beer
And steak and booze
hypothetical scenarios that usually don't come to pass
How to explain to my mom why i dont want to add her to Snapchat.
Do i have a soul or am i just genetic survival instincts and sensory input swimming around in a subconscious just as random as objects in space.
How much philosophy do i actually need to read to sound smart.
How nice this profile was before i let it get away from me
Can i afford prostitutes. How would i go about it.
Did i lock my car
How long could i survive homeless
The life story of a quater minted in 1965
Ways to make money faster than my wage masters put out.
Can people read my mind
Can i afford drugs. How would i go about it.
the Futility of Trying to succeed
If god is an invention of my imagination does that make me his god, am i a god square.
How to find the title to that song i only know the instrumental riffs from
The distribution of wealth and power
Am i capable of positive change
rights certain people are denied
Does the second law of thermodynamics also pertain to human nature.
Why we tie ourselves down fresh out of scool when now is the time to travel and explore.
Why do i have to some day die.
My idea of a perfect date involves dressing to the nines and and enjoying a night of Champaign and Opera. Or perhaps an art show, one that perfectly displays the Duality of man. And then at the eleventh hour we withdraw from these social affairs, and move to a more intimate setting, perhaps a hotel suite or a Cadillac. And i FAK DEM TEDDIES WILE SNORDIN KAYNE OFF JUR ASS BEYYYYYUTCH DEN I TOTAL DAT COUCHE IN THE WAY OF DA BEAST AN YO LIZZARD BRAYN TAKES OVER AN YU BEG FO MO MO MO MORE!!!!!!?!
Then i wanna look you in the eye and stare deep into your soul and drink in your being. Conjoining our spirits so as to release them to be free with the universe.
Then we grab some coffee and fuck some more
Or we could watch some movies, big or little screen it dont matter
Ok sometimes i have trouble saying a number and hold up that many fingers, it used to be a joke but now its automatic.
One time i was hitting on this lady at a bar and she was a grandmother at the age of like 45. Wasn't a deal breaker. She talked nonstop about country music. Wasnt a deal breaker. She then 'told me how happy she was to have come out cause she was scared of', and then she wispered in my ear a racial slur. To my everlasting shame wasnt a deal breaker. She then turned me down cause i didnt like country. I think she went home with a black chick, good for her?
I also i suppose im scared that I'm neither intelligent nor strong. That any perceived specialness is an over compensation for crippling mediocrity.
I suppose it goes back to my childhood. I was the middle child of seven. attention was scarce so i craved it. I would try hard to entertain my family because thats how i felt i earned love. I realize now that was seeking a dopamine response which led to other highs to get over lows in the future
I guess thats why i love drinking. It was something I picked up easy, i am good at it. It feels good to be a heavy weight, a winner. It makes me feel like a rock star.
I seek highs because in my dark moments i fear i am not special, and if i am not special, i am worthless and therefore dont deserve to live
Also i dont know how to hold in my farts
On the flipside Do NOT message if you are: a cis gendered male, unless your cool.