typhoidmary
42 Alexandria, United States
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typhoidmary
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My self-summary
Why didn't I write back? Was your introductory email to me less than three syllables in length? Would your grammar, spelling and/or punctuation suggest that you never got beyond the fifth grade? Is your profile full of unoriginal clichés? Are your photos so filtered that it looks like someone smeared Vaseline on my monitor when I view them? Other disqualifiers: if I need to go to Urban Dictionary to decipher what you wrote, that's a negative. If you describe yourself as "God fearing" (or something similar), then no. If, upon noting that I'm a vegetarian, you ask, "So, do you eat fish?" ... um, go back to elementary school. Fish are not plants!

With that having been said, hi, hello, greetings and salutations. My name is Morgan and I am a physicist and a writer, though I primarily make my living writing and prosecuting patent applications these days. Further, I am the very model of a modern major general. I took the midnight train going anywhere. At museums, I am allowed to touch the art. The last woman to whom I made love stopped right in the middle of everything to give me a standing ovation. I am the Emperor of the Kingdom of Alexandria (and protector of Mexico). I am the greatest human, humanoid, bioelectronic entity, funky dude, and disco dancer of all time.

Truth: My favorite element is protactinium and my favorite punctuation mark is the interrobang (followed closely by the percontation point). Be aware that I am a coward and, in a crisis, I will most likely use you as a human shield.

Various things, at least one of which will, hopefully, pique your interest: I have a very dark and sarcastic sense of humor; I have somewhat morbid tastes; I live with a ragdoll cat who has emotional problems; although I was once a club kid, I now live a very quiet life and I'm pretty happy about that; I keep early hours; I'm a vegetarian; I'm a published author many times over; I put myself through graduate school and part of law school as a stripper; I’m an atheist; for you Jungians playing along at home I’m an INTJ (so I'm essentially an evil emotionless robot from the future); I am an objectivist and a capitalist; although I am not agoraphobic, I much prefer to be indoors; I do not like to travel; I am afraid of both dogs and snakes; and, most importantly, I'm extremely open and honest (sometimes to my detriment). I'm also both an existential nihilist and a moral nihilist. This is probably why I don't get invited to a lot of parties.

Please note that I am not a smartphone zombie and I only enjoy the company of other non-cybernetic beings. I do not text, I do not tweet and I do not take photos of myself at the gym. If we communicate through this site, I will type you a letter on a full size keyboard that will be in the form of complete sentences and include actual words. I expect the same in return.

Oh, and I don’t do well with “normal” or “ordinary” … and after all of this, I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself, “My goodness, this man is exceptional, I want to take a dip in his gene pool,” but you should be aware that I get up at 3:15 AM every morning, weekends included, to go to the gym, which means I go to bed at 7:30 PM every night. Thus, the rub is that I probably keep very different hours than you do. I’ve also been clean and sober for over a decade, so no, I won’t go to a club or a bar with you, nor do I wish to come over for a nice glass of wine.

I don't suffer from Asperger syndrome, but you should be aware that I do share some similar traits. Empathy, for example, does not come naturally to me. I also have to force myself to make eye contact when I speak to people. I would probably do very well dating an Aspie or a sociopath.

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Bell Biv DeVoe, now you know. Yo, Slick, blow.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm writing books which no one reads, gradually decaying with age and heading towards a mid-life crisis, and feeling like a dirty old man every time my head is turned by a girl whom I realize is genuinely half my age. I also spend a great deal of time people watching through the scope of a sniper rifle.
I’m really good at
Writing books which only a tiny percentage of the population care about or want to read. I am not good at receiving rejection letters. Each one is like having an individual nose hair ripped out by tweezers.

I'm also good at making instant judgments of people, cleaning hairball stains from carpet, converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, insulting people, flattering people in a decidedly fake way that they never realize is actually fake, fixing computer problems, making vegetarian versions of "real" food, visualization and spatial relations. Oh, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm getting pretty good at dwarf tossing.
The first things people usually notice about me
People tend to notice that I'm running down the middle of the street, wearing nothing but socks and carrying a large knife. The second thing they notice would have to be either my ice blue eyes or how unnaturally white my teeth are. The third is that I'm psychotic. However, with regard to that last one, I'm very polite about it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm a bibliophile, so it's impossible to pick one or even twenty favorites. Names that just come to mind: Bret Easton Ellis, Ayn Rand, Tom Wolfe, Warren Ellis, Alan Moore, Nabakov, Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, Neil Gaiman, Douglas Adams, Jon Ronson, Daniel Pinkwater, Chuck Palahniuk, Daniel Clowes, Adrian Tomine, Michael Chabon and a hundred others. As evidence that I'm an occasional softie, I also have to list the two Griffin & Sabine trilogies (though the first is far better than the second). Oh, and we can't forget de Laclos' Les Liaisons Dangereuses though, truthfully, I actually like the movie better. I also read a lot of non-fiction -- these days, it seems to be a one-to-one correspondence between fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm on the second volume of a trilogy on the harmonic decomposition of the deviation function associated with the prime number theorem. It's a lot more interesting than it sounds, really. Of course, if you already thought it sounded interesting, then definitely write to me.

If, on your own profile, you have listed a children's book (Green Eggs and Ham, Where the Wild Things Are, The Little Prince, Harry Potter, etc.) because you think it makes you look whimsical and charming, it doesn't. It makes you look like you're retarded. There's a difference between having an inner child and having the mental capacity of a child.

As for movies, the same rules apply as for books. I can't pick just a few: Phantom of the Paradise, Schizophreniac (so badly made that it's incredibly entertaining), Videodrome, L.A. Story, Real Genius, Tarantino, Scorsese, David Lynch, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Stanley Kubrick, Terry Gilliam and, once again, a hundred more. I love Netflix almost as much as I love Mrs. Mermelstein the Wondercat.

I do have a favorite TV show of all time: Twin Peaks. I love Star Trek, in its various incarnations. I find Dr. Who to be too family friendly, but I loved its spinoff, Torchwood. Although I watch Elementary, it's just to pass the time until the next season of Sherlock, which is brilliant. Speaking of brilliant, The Eric Andre Show is, at times, the most brilliant thing on television. Let's see, I also watch Archer, Ray Donovan, Hemlock Grove, Black Mirror and Tosh.0. I am also secure enough in my intellectual and academic credentials that I will admit that I enjoy some reality TV: 90 Day Fiance and, particularly, Vanderpump Rules, which is fantastically addictive.

I prefer Beethoven to Mozart.

I do actually have two favorite poems: Ozymandias by Shelley and Counting the Mad by Donald Justice. Also, the poem at the very end of Joyce's Ulysses (Molly Bloom's "... and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.") is unquestionably the most erotic and arousing thing I've ever read.

As for plays, not counting any of my own, Picasso at the Lapin Agile is unquestionably my favorite, though there are so many to list. Sartre's No Exit, of course, Ira Levin's Deathtrap, The Tempest will always be my favorite Shakespeare. I am not ashamed to say that I feel Waiting for Godot is twaddle.
The six things I could never do without
Books (real books, not e-books), Wikipedia, Netflix, Elizabeth Delano Mermelstein the Wondercat, air conditioning and, um, Lexapro.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could make the world run like clockwork if only I had absolute control. I also spend time thinking about how I could realistically seize control of the world. I had some more thoughts here, reflecting what I spend time thinking about, but I was contacted by the DHS and have since decided to edit them. I'll be happy to discuss them with you on a scrambled phone line, though.
On a typical Friday night I am
Taking the midnight train going anywhere and/or trying to make a reservation at Dorsia.

14 years ago, on a Friday night, you would find me anxiously awaiting 2 AM on Saturday morning, as that's when I would pop my pills, which would get me to a peak roll at around 3:15, which is just when the afterhours club would also hit its peak. Which lifestyle do you think is better? Really, I'd like to hear opinions and personal experiences. My present life is certainly more intellectually fulfilling, but my previous life was a hell of a lot more fun.

As Friday night is typically "date night", on a first date I like to carve our initials into a tree. This, I find, is the most romantic way to let you know that I have a knife.

It is also interesting to note that this may be interpreted as a statement, rather than a question. There are no ellipsis marks, after all. It's not "On a typical Friday night I am ...", which would indicate a fill-in-the-blank answer is expected. Rather, this may be seen as a statement of existence. I think, therefore I am. And on a typical Friday night, I have thoughts. Thus, on a typical Friday night, I am. To be on a Friday night or not to be on a Friday night, that is the question.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I lost my virginity in a whorehouse. Bam! Beat that.

As an auxiliary answer, I once asked a chemotherapy patient, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?" Her response was far more rude than was called for, resulting in me calling her "a humorless cunt". From there, it really escalated.

As a tertiary answer, I will make the sacrilegious admission that I don't think the Mona Lisa is a good painting, nor do I find her smile to be particularly mysterious or compelling.

Lastly, this seems like a good place to explain my choice of username, as I'm asked about it quite often. The story, alas, is not a particularly interesting one: I tried one username and it was taken. I tried another username and it was taken. I tried a third username and it was taken. I got very annoyed and frustrated and typed "typhoidmary" out of spite (for myself, as it turned out) and the system took it ... thus I've been stuck with a horrible username ever since. This was before I started meditating and learned about patience.
You should message me if
I have always been attracted to dangerous women, so a woman with a certain degree of amorality (or "moral ambiguity", if you prefer) would be desirable. Consider Tom Ripley's wife from Ripley Under Ground and Ripley's Game: she was more than happy to help (and capable of) moving his dead bodies when he was a little sloppy. I'm not saying that I'd ever be so sloppy, but a woman willing and able to do such a thing would be a perfect match.

To put up with me, you will need a very dark and very sarcastic sense of humor. Ideally you will have, at least, a master's degree, be in shape, and agree that couples do not need to do everything together and that alone time is a valuable commodity. I should also note that I can't fuck someone whom I don't respect. Or, rather, I could, but I choose not to. So, if you don't have a good job, you're uneducated and/or you have nothing to say, it absolutely won't go anywhere. Additionally, please note that I'm a man-child in a pretty advanced state of arrested development, so things like practical jokes and sulking definitely come with the territory.

I've lived most of my life as one man against the world. I think a good relationship for me would be the two of us against the world. Or, put another way, it would be great if you don't play well with others in general but do play well with me.
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