typhoidmary
43Alexandria, United States
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typhoidmary
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My self-summary
I don’t like to travel and I don’t like the outdoors. Based on all the photos on here of people zip-lining, visiting Machu Picchu (which clearly isn’t as inaccessible as I once thought) and riding camels in front of Petra, I am clearly in the minority. Quite frankly, I work hard during the day, doing a wide variety of intellectually challenging things, and when I’m not at work, I just want to relax. So, I’m looking for a woman who also just wants to relax in peace and quiet, enjoying the present moment. At almost 44 years of age, I’ve been to enough clubs, restaurants, gallery openings, tourist attractions and so forth to last the rest of my life. Now I just want to stay home, read, watch movies, cook, enjoy my various hobbies and live quietly. Sound boring? Then you’re not the woman for me.

So, with that having been said, hi, I’m Morgan, I live in Alexandria and I'm a fairly successful writer and physicist. It’s very important to note that most people find me peculiar and somewhat off-putting. I can fake "normal" quite well, but who wants to go through life with nothing but fake relationships?

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I was a bodybuilder, but time and life happened, so I'm a bit out of shape. I'm back to a daily gym regimen, though, and I just had to buy new pants because I went down a waist size, so all hope is not lost.

I have a dark, sarcastic, sexual and morbid sense of humor, so if you're Miss Priss or easily offended, we really won't get along well. I am not politically correct in any way. I don’t go out of my way to offend, but I can’t stand censorship in any form, particularly self-censorship.

In addition to the dark, sarcastic, sexual and morbid sense of humor, you need to be really really really intelligent and well educated. There are reasons I get along with so few people and an abnormally high I.Q. is one of them. I have a correspondingly low E.Q., surprise surprise. I feel empathy for those I’m close to, but empathy for people in general was not built into my hardware.

I am not a smartphone zombie and I strongly prefer being around other non-cybernetic entities. Email is my preference. I never text, but if I like you, we can talk on the phone.

I live with a ragdoll cat who has emotional problems; I was once a club kid but I now live a very quiet life and have been clean and sober for well over a decade; I keep very early hours (bed at 8:00 PM, up at 4:00 AM); I'm a vegetarian; I'm a published author many times over; I put myself through graduate school and part of law school as a stripper; and I'm extremely forthright.

I recently bought a bunch of card and board games in an attempt to be more social, but they still sit unopened, so maybe we can play some games. I also want to go to the escape room in Old Town. I live in what my therapist refers to as “a constant state of hyperawareness” (yes, I just admitted that I see a therapist – weekly) and it is not the fun Sherlock Holmes type existence you probably think it would be – but an escape room would be a good way to actually put my burden to good use.

I don’t have the emotional strength to engage in meaningless small talk. If you ask me “how about this weather?” or send an email that consists of just “hi, how are you?”, it is unlikely that I will respond.

Since I keep such early hours, I would strongly prefer to meet someone who is local to Alexandria and/or is also on a similar schedule.

If I send you a "like", it certainly doesn't mean that I can't string a sentence together nor should you think I'm too socially awkward to send an introductory email. There are simply so many emails one can send without receiving responses before it all begins to feel like a waste of time. Likes are to gauge interest -- like me back and I'll write back.

Lastly, I am the very model of a modern major general. I took the midnight train going anywhere. At museums, I am allowed to touch the art. The last woman to whom I made love stopped right in the middle of everything to give me a standing ovation. I am the Emperor of the Kingdom of Alexandria (and protector of Mexico). I am the greatest human, humanoid, bioelectronic entity, funky dude, and disco dancer of all time.

Stay gold, Ponyboy. Bell Biv DeVoe, now you know. Yo, Slick, blow.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm writing books which no one reads, gradually decaying with age and heading towards a mid-life crisis, and feeling like a dirty old man every time my head is turned by a girl whom I realize is genuinely half my age. I also spend a great deal of time people watching through the scope of a sniper rifle.
I’m really good at
Writing books which only a tiny percentage of the population care about or want to read. I am not good at receiving rejection letters. Each one is like having an individual nose hair ripped out by tweezers.

I'm also good at making instant judgments of people, cleaning hairball stains from carpet, converting oxygen to carbon dioxide, insulting people, flattering people in a decidedly fake way that they never realize is actually fake, fixing computer problems, making vegetarian versions of "real" food, visualization and spatial relations. Oh, and not to toot my own horn, but I'm getting pretty good at dwarf tossing.
The first things people usually notice about me
People tend to notice that I'm running down the middle of the street, wearing nothing but socks and carrying a large knife. The second thing they notice would have to be either my ice blue eyes or how unnaturally white my teeth are. The third is that I'm psychotic. However, with regard to that last one, I'm very polite about it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm a bibliophile, so it's impossible to pick one or even twenty favorites. Names that just come to mind: Bret Easton Ellis, Ayn Rand, Tom Wolfe, Warren Ellis, Alan Moore, Nabakov, Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, Neil Gaiman, Douglas Adams, Jon Ronson, Daniel Pinkwater, Chuck Palahniuk, Daniel Clowes, Adrian Tomine, Michael Chabon and a hundred others. As evidence that I'm an occasional softie, I also have to list the two Griffin & Sabine trilogies (though the first is far better than the second). Oh, and we can't forget de Laclos' Les Liaisons Dangereuses though, truthfully, I actually like the movie better. I also read a lot of non-fiction -- these days, it seems to be a one-to-one correspondence between fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm on the second volume of a trilogy on the harmonic decomposition of the deviation function associated with the prime number theorem. It's a lot more interesting than it sounds, really. Of course, if you already thought it sounded interesting, then definitely write to me.

If, on your own profile, you have listed a children's book (Green Eggs and Ham, Where the Wild Things Are, The Little Prince, etc.) because you think it makes you look whimsical and charming, it doesn't. It makes you look like you're retarded. There's a difference between having an inner child and having the mental capacity of a child.

As for movies, the same rules apply as for books. I can't pick just a few: Phantom of the Paradise, Schizophreniac (so badly made that it's incredibly entertaining), Videodrome, L.A. Story, Real Genius, Tarantino, Scorsese, David Lynch, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Stanley Kubrick, Terry Gilliam and, once again, a hundred more. I love Netflix almost as much as I love Mrs. Mermelstein the Wondercat. And yes, I still get the DVDs in the red envelopes from Netflix. I don't understand people who limit themselves to just what happens to be streaming that month when you can get whatever you want on DVD.

I do have a favorite TV show of all time: Twin Peaks. I love Star Trek, in its various incarnations. I find Dr. Who to be too family friendly, but I loved its spinoff, Torchwood. Although I watch Elementary, it's just to pass the time until the next season of Sherlock, which is brilliant. Speaking of brilliant, The Eric Andre Show is, at times, the most brilliant thing on television. Let's see, I also watch Archer, Ray Donovan, Westworld, John Oliver, Veep, Black Mirror and Tosh.0. I am also secure enough in my intellectual and academic credentials that I will admit that I enjoy some reality TV: Vanderpump Rules ties with Westworld for best TV show of all time.

I prefer Beethoven to Mozart.

I do actually have two favorite poems: Ozymandias by Shelley and Counting the Mad by Donald Justice. Also, the poem at the very end of Joyce's Ulysses (Molly Bloom's "... and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.") is unquestionably the most erotic and arousing thing I've ever read.

As for plays, not counting any of my own, Picasso at the Lapin Agile is unquestionably my favorite, though there are so many to list. Sartre's No Exit, of course, Ira Levin's Deathtrap, The Tempest will always be my favorite Shakespeare. I am not ashamed to say that I feel Waiting for Godot is twaddle.
Six things I could never do without
Books, Wikipedia, Netflix, Elizabeth Delano Mermelstein the Wondercat, air conditioning and, um, Lexapro.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could make the world run like clockwork if only I had absolute control. I also spend time thinking about how I could realistically seize control of the world. I had some more thoughts here, reflecting what I spend time thinking about, but I was contacted by the DHS and have since decided to edit them. I'll be happy to discuss them with you on a scrambled phone line, though.
On a typical Friday night I am
Taking the midnight train going anywhere and/or trying to make a reservation at Dorsia.

14 years ago, on a Friday night, you would find me anxiously awaiting 2 AM on Saturday morning, as that's when I would pop my pills, which would get me to a peak roll at around 3:15, which is just when the afterhours club would also hit its peak. Which lifestyle do you think is better? Really, I'd like to hear opinions and personal experiences. My present life is certainly more intellectually fulfilling, but my previous life was a hell of a lot more fun.

As Friday night is typically "date night", on a first date I like to carve our initials into a tree. This, I find, is the most romantic way to let you know that I have a knife.

It is also interesting to note that this may be interpreted as a statement, rather than a question. There are no ellipsis marks, after all. It's not "On a typical Friday night I am ...", which would indicate a fill-in-the-blank answer is expected. Rather, this may be seen as a statement of existence. I think, therefore I am. And on a typical Friday night, I have thoughts. Thus, on a typical Friday night, I am. To be on a Friday night or not to be on a Friday night, that is the question.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I lost my virginity in a whorehouse. Bam! Beat that.

As an auxiliary answer, I once asked a chemotherapy patient, "So, does the carpet match the drapes?" Her response was far more rude than was called for, resulting in me calling her "a humorless cunt". From there, it really escalated.

As a tertiary answer, I will make the sacrilegious admission that I don't think the Mona Lisa is a good painting, nor do I find her smile to be particularly mysterious or compelling.

Lastly, this seems like a good place to explain my choice of username, as I'm asked about it quite often. The story, alas, is not a particularly interesting one: I tried one username and it was taken. I tried another username and it was taken. I tried a third username and it was taken. I got very annoyed and frustrated and typed "typhoidmary" out of spite (for myself, as it turned out) and the system took it ... thus I've been stuck with a horrible username ever since. This was before I started meditating and learned about patience.
You should message me if
I have always been attracted to dangerous women, so a woman with a certain degree of amorality (or "moral ambiguity", if you prefer) would be desirable. Consider Tom Ripley's wife from Ripley Under Ground and Ripley's Game: she was more than happy to help (and capable of) moving his dead bodies when he was a little sloppy. I'm not saying that I'd ever be so sloppy, but a woman willing and able to do such a thing would be a perfect match.

To put up with me, you will need a very dark and very sarcastic sense of humor. Ideally you will have, at least, a master's degree, be in shape, and agree that couples do not need to do everything together and that alone time is a valuable commodity. I should also note that I can't fuck someone whom I don't respect. Or, rather, I could, but I choose not to. So, if you don't have a good job, you're uneducated and/or you have nothing to say, it absolutely won't go anywhere. Additionally, please note that I'm a man-child in a pretty advanced state of arrested development, so things like practical jokes and sulking definitely come with the territory.

I could never be in a long term relationship with a woman who hangs the toilet paper under rather than over. Really. And if you do, you need to rethink your life.
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