12/05/16 If it appears you have snared me in your dreamcatcher, there is a high probability you will never see who I really am. I do not possess the skills to function as a dream...and you will put me back on the wind.
12/02/12 It has been useful for me to discover why my marriages ended. I have been able to see and speak of my needs and the needs of my partners that remained unmet, creating the pain that forced the end of our contract. My second wife, sadly, still holds me fully responsible for our ending even though at one time she wanted no other. I still pray for her to have all the happiness she desires in her life that I wish for in mine.
11/22/16 A lady told me recently that she had already done forever, and learned to never ever do that again.
11/19/16 I have had so many friends who have spent their whole lives dying...spending whole lifetimes desperately grasping a death cult so their egos can feel safe believing they will have someplace to hang out once they successfully leave the body. They believe that God cannot be comprehended by the mind, then with the same mind define the heaven where the ego will go. Then with hubris that only comes from such a closed mind, rules are made that grant access and exclusion to the heaven for themselves and all others in the world. Naturally, this heaven or kingdom of God would be placed outside the closed mind...all of this far easier than finding the kingdom of God inside where an anointed one said it could only be found. Sadly,, many spent no time really living within the "dash" they cut in the stone between their first and last day. They filled in their "dash" with everything someone else said would be good for them and surely bring happiness.
11/16/16 After seeing the damage caused to me and others by the rules taught to me by my family and church "to love only a few, be indifferent to the many. and hate/dislike the rest" I will require no vow, no oath, nor promise of your love for me to love you. In stillness, I discovered I have loved you all forever already. To put this into action, I will not limit my love for all others so that one person can try to stop being afraid that I don't love only them. It is too painful to love only one...a peculiar discovery being on a dating site. The pain of loving one is equal to the pain of being alone. This has nothing to do with sex. It is obvious we have created a very large internal conflict within ourselves between our rules for loving and our rules for sex. Our rules for sex distort the commands of God about loving others.
11/14/16 For all of us on here looking for love, I am going to take a new tack...I will love first. I have been told my loving all others meets all my needs for love from another, especially true if I love me before loving you. Sorry guys, it's in the book. God himself can't get by my not loving me...his love for me cannot overcome my negative feelings that I decide make me unlovable to me.
11/11/16 On Leonard Cohen's passing I borrow these words from another. "I sense he was amazed when this universe disappeared from in front of the eyes of his spirit". He wrote of reading all the holy books, but happiness kept breaking through.
11/2/16 My real connection to God as I understand him is my breath. With this breath my ego functions to collect beliefs not based on merit...only gathered to get the approval of those around me, or to quiet the fears I was given about the unknown.
10/31/16 When I die, I will probably hang out a few days for the boxing and the later buffet. What happens next depends on what beliefs my ego used to blind the eyes of my spirit. Since my spirit is sure of its place within unity, I might check out the places used to scare me in life, trusting that my spirit can see that the two options, one a promise, the other a threat, have never existed. When I look into the hell I was threatened with I will remember that it only came from a description of a place they burned garbage and dead animals outside of Jerusalem. I will also know that if my spirit steps inside to check out this mythical place, I might remember the words of David..."God would crawl into hell itself to get him out". When my spirit finally tires of the myths, my spirit will look within itself to see that the kingdom is where it has always been, within me.
10/30/16 So many ladies in my dating pool declare they are unwilling now to play in life...they will now just be serious in this last phase of their lives. They are adamant that they will no longer involve themselves in any games. It might be useful to check out the importance of play and games in human interactions. Studies in both psychology and ethology give us useful information about both. If I am left just smiling while I wait for my crocheting lady to look up from her hobby, I will go to the bridge.
10/28/16 I enjoy writing about what I see in my world. And this site offers much food for thought. The most used word on dating websites is said to be "honesty"-it is offered easily and highly requested. It is often the core trait sought and offered in personal introductions of writers in paragraphs containing as few as five sentences dscribing who they are. Perhaps this brevity is a textual simile that hints that honesty will be found if we remain generally unknown to each other.
I am also curious about writers who want no drama in their lives from this point on. Maybe the understanding of the word drama used by the non-seekers is but a description of the unpleasant encounters they had with former mates. I like the dictionary definition of drama...exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or set of circumstances/action. This is what I seek in life. For the unsought drama others speak of, I can choose to participate or not. I was told by a teacher I didn't have to attend every argument I received an invitation for nor did I have to except any gift of unkindness from another. I could leave the painful gift with them if I desired not to take it from them.
I have no attraction for those seeking no drama, for I suspect they are also willing to live life without deep passion. I have already lived too long in this life without passion so that I could look proper and not confront the passionless lives others were living. The dictionary describes passion...strong and barely controllable emotion. All my emotions derive from my thoughts and I will dare to have my thoughts create strong and barely controllable feelings about people and the world I insist on walking awake in. I will also dare to experience unexpected events and circumstances and I will welcome them as gifts. A line in the movie "Last Samurai" expresses my current focus well..."Life in every breath". My breath was my first connection with spirit, and I refuse to purposely ignore any more of the 540 million breaths I have taken since my first one. My spirit expresses itself in passion if I let it. This idea is not mine. I found it in the writings of Kahlil Gibran..."God moves in passion, and God rests in reason".
10/24/16 Of the two selves within me (my essential and my apparent selves), my apparent self believes it fully understands unity and that it can create such a condition with others. At best I can hang out with others, and use words to convince myself I got it. My apparent self can only consider Unity intellectually, and it will call adjacent co-habitation a union. This tells me I have only redefined it in terms of the best I can do to have it in my world and still be me and them. Unity sees only itself...is aware of only its oneness, its singularity. It sees nothing that exists outside itself and recognizes no partitions or components within itself. Ego or apparent self have no place within unity and it is very likely neither ego nor my apparent self will tolerate any entry into a state of being where it does not survive with its separateness intact. Even religions that offer a heaven are offering it for my separate (apparent self) where it can hang out still assembled and remain outside of unity.
I might experience the briefest moment of unity if I have a desire and the skills to link my apparent self to my essential self.
10/24/16 Within me are two selves, (my essential self and my apparent self). My apparent self is organized around my name. My essential self is ageless and has never been separate from what created me. It has been in unity with all of you for the long eternity of my past. My apparent self has only forgotten that I have always been connected to some power greater than what my apparent self tries to think it knows about God. Evidence provided constantly to the body of my apparent self is easily missed, ignored, and taken for granted. From here I could talk about "unity with all that is" or "unconditional love". Both throw the mind of my apparent self into circular thinking. I might say I search for it in relationships, but being divorced I must admit I didn't love unconditionally nor was I loved this way. I may then wander over to talk about God loving me unconditionally, but then must confront the list of things I have been told about what I need to do to be loved by God and then list the things that I can't do if I don't want to lose his love. If I look closely at the beliefs I have been taught about what I must do and not do to gain the love of God since childhood, I might see what I am using to believe I need not love all others. Whew, what a circle! I'll talk about "unity with all that is" on another day.
10/18/16 After reading of the 100 things people love on here, I cannot envision myself with a loving heart, declaring that I loved God and all others, if I went to kindergarden heaven(a place that my ego gets to hang out after it no longer has a body) and ignored others judged to deserve punishment for as long as I would be singing. My spirit cannot abide this dividing of joy and pain in an eternity created by a God of love who is said to possess infinite mercy. What recourse do I have? I will greet those I love in heaven, then depart for hell to take the place of a soul judged to be undeserving of heaven. Just pondering the idea now, I realized my spirit of love might be an unwelcome visitor to either place.
10/17/16 (So many have not had there needs met for so many years and still cannot see that that alone is the reason for the ending of their relationships) One person of a pair finally could no longer stand the pain of living with the needs unmet, and volunteered to be the bad guy to end the relationship. My fantasies and dreams are always the pictures of my unmet needs.
In considering the wish of so many to find a "last love". I find myself finally rebelling against this idea...that I would be a seeker of only one love for my ending days. In reflection on how I have come to a place where I would seek only one love, I see clearly my early training that taught me to "love only a few, be indifferent to the many, and dislike all the rest". In the movie "Libertine", an actress offers we have three loves. "The first is calf love, the second is the one we marry. The third is our "death bride" where will sniff our shrouds".
I do not fear my death for my spirit is eternal...but until the moment this universe disappears from in front of the eyes of my spirit, I will seek out a thousand moments of what the French call "la petite mort".
10/17/16 It saddens me to find myself looking for relationships with others who still lived in dreams and fantasies. If I should mention this I am so often told that I must be seeing the world I live in wrongly.
A therapist told me many years ago that I would find the world a bit of a lonely place once I began seeing what was really in front of me. He said my delusions about my world, God, myself, and others, would serve me less well as time went on, and that any return to them would create pain for me.
10/13/16 It appears we all have rules for never even saying hello. I know where mine came from and what the rules are. My rules for relationships were given to me by my family and the church of my youth. I was taught to love only a few, to be indifferent to the many, and to dislike all the rest. Perhaps growing up with these rules is what forces me to look for people who like what I like or only believe and think what I believe or think. I forgive all those that taught me my rules for relationships as they had only been taught the same in their worlds. I marvel at how I was taught rules that so violate the great commandment offered by Jesus and I wasn't smart enough to see this great conflict. I will love only people.
10/11/16 I remain amazed to see so many women looking for men who fear God as a requirement to be in a relationship with them. Claims made that the God who they profess is the God of Love must be feared lets me know that these seekers have the ability to put beliefs into separate boxes so they can each be looked at without questioning themselves about how a sane person could believe two thoughts so in opposition to the other. Perhaps these ladies have more than one set of boxes...some may even store similar ideas about relationships. Is there a chance these ladies also had unquestioning faith and belief in Santa Claus at one time?
10/6/16 I am finding that in a world where women claim they want honesty, it appears that the honesty sought might just be a list of the correct and right answers. I am also surprised to see in my world so many ladies clinging to a past that would still be here had it met our deepest needs at the time.
9/7/16 I used to tell myself God was going to eventually send me someone who was just perfect for me. I ignored the fact that I myself decided the 100s of women on this site were not what he wanted for me. So then how ever do I know Whoever she is that's coming is the one. What will actually happen is I will read a profile and recognize my neurosis and delusions within her profile. I will label it a match made in heaven. If we ever meet we'll relate the stories of how long we waited for God to hook us up and we'll feel elated that our isolation is at an end. We will likely assure each other of our willingness to be hostages, and we will fall in love with the ending of our isolation, forgetting that we had said we were capable of great love and care for a partner in our profiles. The ending of our isolation should evoke gratitude, but we fall in love with isolations end...the person who showed up to end it is the one deserving of love. Believing the above about waiting for God does expose me...I'm choosing to be alone and God ends up responsible for my isolation. I became a hungry man praying in a closet for God to bring me a hot dog, then blaming God for not delivering it to me, I was too lazy to go to 7--11 to take care of me.
In a world where people are always saying "everything that happens does so in God's will", I will still say that God didn't send the people that approached me. Actually, I was playing God when I ignored them or told them to go away...that I was going to wait for the "one" God was sending. I'm going to remain a hopeful romantic instead of the currently popular hopeless one.
9/3/16I just read about silent dating. We could meet for coffee and see what we feel, without ever having to talk. The second date would probably feel weird too. I'm going to look for someone who wants to do this. The only voice we will use is to order our coffees. We can write notes only after a half hour has passed. There is even a chance for one or both of us to walk away...without ever saying a word. We will leave with our judgments of the other intact...and make up wonderful stories to tell our friends about what was wrong with the other and how they couldn't meet the unmet needs we each brought to Starbucks. This will only work with people that are aware of their own body chemistry.
8/26/16 I see so many on these sights looking for soulmates on the web. The soulmate is a western term for partners that practice very specific disciplines that create the union us wishful folks in the west say we seek with a partner.I have studied tantric yoga for many years. It just means yoga with a partner. It is a process that provides measurable indications that a couple is building the links sought between soulmates. Requires real work from partners, shortcuts impact connections...if we are not willing to do the work for this we are seeking pleasure without the skills to create it. If we are unwilling to do this work, we must wait for our soulmate to wreck their car on our front lawns to find us. Women I've met say they desire this level of pleasure with a partner, but remain closed to and unwilling to create the union that allows this pleasure to become available to each partner. A case of wanting gifts without efforts to gather knowledge and self discipline. Perhaps within 300 years society will be wise enough to form relationships this way. I realize we are trying to upgrade the knight/princess meme, but it may take a few more centuries to find the willingness to be a soulmate to another. We still say "sleeping with" as a meme for making love to our partner...describing our moments of great passion and connection to another person, with words that tell that my body and mind are unconsciousness.
7/6/16 Today I was reflecting on an odd metaphor so often heard. We say "sleeping with" as the description for our "sex partners. Have any considered it odd that we have found it necessary to juxtapose the time of great aliveness and passion with another, against the term "sleeping with" that describes it as a period of unconsciousness. What a strange way to disguise our repression, and then call ourselves mentally sound and emotionally healthy.
4/11/16 Looking back I found that my marriages failed because I had been unwilling to look at the old ideas I had used to create them in the first place. Maybe I now have access to a bit of life's wisdom. I had labeled myself a "hopeless romantic" and thought it endowed me with a level of "relationship brilliance". If I look carefully at the term "hopeless romantic" and then use it, it actually says I have no hope of finding the romance I seek. It makes me a man with no hope stuck searching for it in a world of other hopeless people. It also implies that others are the cause of my aloneness, and that I am fine.
Wow! Love returned will not be a requirement for my loving another, and just because I love, no debt is placed on another to love me. I am hopeful not hopeless...the latter suggests it's time to head for the bridge.
3/31/16 Perhaps the permanence we seek within relationship along with our desire for forever is but an imperfect spiritual longing for the return to the unity of All That Is, from which I never separated myself from, but only became seemingly separated when my unity looked at itself when God said let there be light. I then considered only for an instant that the view of myself made an object apart from what I had known as unity. At this moment I projected myself as separate and splashed my projection into a universe where I seemed to be real. The rest of the illusion then becomes a subjective reality, existing only in my mind. Metaphors help me expand how I can view the hologram of the world I live in.
3/7/16 Saw a picture of Pharaoh Tutankaten today and realized that more people know what he looked like than what we have been told and shown what Jesus looked like.
1/14/16 I just finished Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged copyrighted in 1957. It is amazing to see so many parallels between the government we have today and the one described in the book. The belief that the needs of the incompetent and lazy should command the wealth and energy amassed by the efforts of creators of business and industry is fully embedded within the world we live in. We currently have presidential candidates running on this premise and millions of people who support them. 11/11 Update: In the last debate a person asked the candidate if he was going to make the rich pay their fair share of taxes. Not only was the asker not educated but the responders to the question did not offer that the problem in the question is currently fixed...that 5% of the highest wage earners currently pay over 90% of the taxes. This also makes me wonder about the poor value we have received from our education dollars.
12/26/15 We will never find intimacy talking about the weather no matter how honest we are.
11/1/15 It is always troublesome to admit that my fantasies about women or money are nothing more than the collection of my unmet needs within my life in each area. I then disguise them as "good" by calling them dreams. We never rise above our humanness, no matter how much we repress it and try to pray it away.
10/19/15 It occurs to me this morning that my using the term "monogamy" disguises a part of my human nature that would be labeled "possessiveness". A Dr. Berne described our dating and marriage rituals as based on "capture and keep" strategies.
10/02/15 I have been told by some that I lack a childlike faith in God. I cannot ignore the fact my childlike faith allowed me unquestioning belief in Santa Claus. I was allowed to question that belief but was told I couldn't question any other beliefs adults told me were then true. The belief in Santa Claus was my first training to use "faith" to disconnect me from reality. My religion taught me to use superstitions instead of reason to deal with my world. As I matured I finally began to use "intellectual integrity" to look at the world, where my beliefs no longer contaminate my scholarship.
09/30/15 It first seemed odd to me that women on here claim they are honest and want the same, then they disappeared when I was honest about who I am. I guess they have a list of proper honest answers. My second wife had a list of non-negotiable requirements for who she would date when I found her. After 5 years into the marriage, the list had turned into what was wrong with me. I am relieved she tossed me back in the water.
07/22/15 The most used word in profiles is "honest". I am honest about me from day one...I will not be more honest six months from now. I have safe and sane rules for relationships and naturally recognize the same in others. If my profile hides who I am, I am not honest.
07/13/15 I was recently asked about my children. Yes, I was a parent to 3 children, and the last one flew into the world in 2000, fifteen years ago. I was also a sailor once for 14 years, and that ended 34 years ago. Today I do not define myself with either past experience.
I have found that my past experiences with wives, children, and jobs is not an accurate predictor of who I have become at this age. I, likewise do not assume that a woman is warm, exciting, and friendly based on words in a profile, or because they have photos with grandkids and pets. Sometimes, profiles convey information about the writer in what they do not say. I like this dating site because it offers questions we can answer about a wide variety of topics. Reading the questions others answer will often show what they will avoid in any future discussions with them, and if their profile text is consistent with their answers. Sometimes it is even noticeable if they have used intellectual integrity to choose their beliefs about the world.
04/26/15 In this life I have found myself to be on a spiritual journey and not so much a religious one. After many years of study in the inerrant holy books, I discovered that I had to abandon the idea that a God who has shown such a long history of psychopathic behavior toward his creations could also be the God of love. This was necessary so that I could live my life sanely and with usefulness to others. For me, within each version of myself, I imagine a new vision of me that I can work to become. In this life, I seem to be focused on eighth house issues of birth, sex, death, resurrection via reincarnation and ascension. I have found my immortality hidden within my breath and eternity hidden within the current moment, that life and death are but gateways to the other. I paraphrase Leonard Cohen's line, "I have read all the holy books, and happiness still broke through".
04/21/15 I found my search for a soul mate is nothing more than an attempt by me to believe my soul at an earlier time was willing to do the work to have such a deep connection. That there was a time when my soul was not lazy and didn't expect to get something without working for it. My unwillingness to do the work today for this connection more likely is just a continuation of my soul's ancient laziness.
3/12/15 Ladies...I came into this world a "real man", I was just a smaller one. I only had to check my diaper. And I have given up hope that the many bubbly, outgoing ladies found here will be able to overcome their misogynistic(dislike of women embedded within all three religions of Abraham, and planted by social norms so it cannot be seen by even women) conditioning which keeps them from daring to say even a "hello" to a man they find interesting. We all have the exact relationships we desire.
I have added the paragraphs above as efforts to become the gentle-man my mother hoped for, offered in my text below has attracted little interest. I am now willing to interact with you to live out any fantasies you have not found a partner for, with the caveat that no harm will come to us. Maybe this paragraph will elicit more than a "hey there" with its no follow on response.
***Old entry***Feeling loved by another is sweet, but what happens within me when I love is why I search for a partner. This internal condition changes my universe. I desire participation in the changes love creates within you and I offer you participation in the changes I create within me. I take full responsibility for my interior mental and emotional self. If I do not hold you responsible for my interior condition when it is good, you will not have to be blamed should it change.
Jazz, new age, opera...Vitas, possibly the world's greatest counter-counter-counter tenor. I also am impressed with the power and passion in Pink's song Try.
01/20/15 A friend reminded me today that for most of the men and women here, there is a man or woman somewhere that is glad we are gone, as they did not find the warm, highly energetic, caring person now advertising. I also suspect that some former mates daily lite votive candles to show their gratitude that I am gone.
My partner and l should have sane and sound ideas that guide any sexual relationship. We each will be free of other emotional and sexual links. We will want our emotional links to be heightened by our sexual link, instead of using sex to create emotional links. I will want no others in my mind, dreams or fantasies. My highest idea is that our sexual relationship will be the external expression of what we have in our hearts for each other.
Should one partner no longer find their heart's desire in the other they will wander off to continue seeking their heart's desire in another. And while this at first may result in feelings of anger or pain of loss, this action actually safeguards both hearts from further pain.
I have never been fully certain of the love of others, but loving others assures my heart that I am in the midst of love.
You are willing to co-star in a joint movie of great lives.