34 Vacaville, United States
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My self-summary
My username isn't supposed to be vulgar, it's my unfortunate initials/ oh-so-rad nickname. Well, minus the "14". But you know what? Go ahead and be offended.

***In all seriousness, I'm here collecting information because I'm doing research for a project. I chose to resurrect my actual dating profile from a few years ago rather than create a brand new one because I'm lazy. So, having said that, we probably won't bone - unless you can supply some spectacular info. Apparently spectacular information gets me hot. Also, I'm dead inside. ***

Anyway ...

I'm the product of an overzealous religious fanatic and a perpetual 12 year old. I live near trees. I used to let way too many people merge whilst driving. I just said "whilst" instead of "while" on purpose. I probably think ghosts are real. I'm trying to see how much of this I can finish before the Excedrin PM kicks in. The Excedrin PM I took was the generic version. I recently had a dream where Cyndi Lauper told me to never give up so now I probably won't. I think people who regularly use the "speaker phone" option are the scum of the earth. I really love elephants. I really don't love the Oxford comma or emojis.

I don't want to hear about your experiences at Burning Man.
What I’m doing with my life
I'm doing the best I can. Get off my back, OKC.
I’m really good at
Hitting birds with my car when driving. Not taking many things in life seriously. High-fiving. Not having a tan. Looking/being awkward. Parking badly. Useless trivia. Losing my keys. Making any situation weird. Spending too much time looking up random things - hence the useless trivia knowledge. Making artichoke dip. Meaning well yet not accomplishing nearly enough every ... single ... day.
The first things people usually notice about me
How Asian I'm not and that I'm chewing gum like I mean it.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
The books I read are none of your business.

Movies: The Godfather, The Godfather pt 2, Casino, The Departed, Uncle Buck, American Beauty, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, High Fidelity, Inside Llewyn Davis (did I spell that right??), Goodfellas, It's A Wonderful Life, Tombstone, Nebraska, Best in Show, Death to Smoochy, The Shawshank Redemption, The Doors, It Happened One Night, The Breakfast Club, Midnight in Paris, Zodiac, This is Spinal Tap, Dead Poets Society, Donnie Darko, Big, On the Waterfront, Almost Famous ... And girly ones like Pretty Woman, Pride and Prejudice, Overboard (I'm not even sorry) ...

Shows: Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Peep Show, The Ricky Gervais Show, An Idiot Abroad, Arrested Development, Drunk History, Derek, Breaking Bad and Boardwalk Empire.

Music: The Beatles, Joy Division, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Tool, Janis Joplin, Cream, Muse, The Black Keys, The Doors, Interpol, The National, New Order, Tom Petty, Black Sabbath, Pixies, Mazzy Star, Modest Mouse, Jimi Hendrix, Otis Redding, The Clash, Nirvana, The Rolling Stones, Queen, MGMT, David Bowie, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Cure, The Ramones, The Shins, Siouxsie and the Banshees, T. Rex, Talking Heads, The Who, Fleet Foxes and very recently Timber Timbre .. I love a lot of Motown too. Next to 80s pop, it's the most fun thing in the world to dance to.

Food: Yes, please.
The six things I could never do without
Names of pornographic movies, the thought of John Madden riding a Triceratops, crippling self-doubt, a creative outlet, burritos and that other thing.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The 1987 Razzies.

Why didn't New Kids On The Block change their name after their first album? Technically, they weren't new anymore. And the fact that they keep getting back together every 15 years only makes their name less and less accurate.

How the crap did I get that bruise?

This dude I had a blind date with years and years ago. His name was Henry and he dressed like a hybrid of Crocodile Dundee and Neo. On the date he did nothing but talk about advanced math and then INSISTED (yes, INSISTED) I pay for the meal because he had to drive over 20 minutes to meet me. Then, as I was getting in my car to flee, he grabbed my hand and started rubbing it REALLY hard and said, "I give great hand massages." I told him I couldn't afford his Medieval happy ending since I'd just spent all my money on his tacos and bolted. Anyway, I hope he's dead.

If you're 5'9, why do you say you're 6'0? Because, hey, you're not.

Why do people, when typing/texting "excitedly", type 37 of the same letter in a row when it's a consonant? It really only works with the letter "S". It's especially annoying with the letter "T". No one SPEAKS that way. People do, however, elongate VOWELS when speaking. Type 37 vowels in a row if you're going to do that.

Pronouncing the 37 consonants in a row, out loud and in public just to get my point across.

I want a helicopter.

When guys do the "duck face" it's not so much "duck" as it is "smarmy bastard".

The number of people who are claiming to be the real Slim Shady in their username.

The assumption (hard-held, ironclad BELIEF) that anyone browsing my profile or sending me a message is doing so whilst taking a shit.

I want to move... again ..

Phrases like: "The fire is hot."

Why does anyone own mice as pets? Is either party fulfilled in these relationships? Your rat doesn't love you.

The whole koalas/chlamydia thing.

Babies capable of playing ping pong.

If I were to commit suicide, I think I'd do it immediately after I browsed OKC. That way I wouldn't need to leave a note. People would look through my phone and just know.


Why do I find forearms so sexy?

Have hippies always been this pretentious?

All the amazing things I could make out of Bendaroos.
On a typical Friday night I am
Alone and sobbing.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I accidentally "liked" someone so now I live in constant fear.

I wasn't allowed to go to 5th grade camp because, and this is a direct quote from my parents, "if you go to camp you'll get molested".

I don't like the movie The Goonies. I think everything about it is annoying. There, I said it. Deal with it.

While we're at it, I also don't like Alice in Wonderland. It's a very frustrating movie. Everyone in Wonderland is such a colossal dick. Please fight the urge to message me about Lewis Carroll. I'm aware of the books. I'm specifically talking about the Disney movie. Besides, there's a decent chance L.C. was a pedophile.

When I was in the 2nd grade, my whole class missed recess because of me. I threw away my string cheese and my teacher, who apparently REALLY HATED wasting food, pulled it out of the trash and demanded to know who did it. She questioned all of us, hardcore, and because no one would fess up, she took recess away. What's worse is that a few kids had a theory about who did it - some obese loser with long fingernails named Chris. I went along with their theory. Chris was rabidly hated until the end of the 6th grade.

I own not one, not two, BUT THREE different tuxedo t-shirts.

I become the worst version of myself when driving. Recently I had an encounter with a single-celled organism who was given license to drive. After several near death and incredibly infuriating experiences with this amoeba, I noticed they had an "all lives matter" sticker on their car. Without any noticeable brain activity on my part, I furiously yelled out, "NOT YOURS MOTHERFUCKER!!"

I might be only 5'9 1/2.

In reality, I probably couldn't make anything out of Bendaroos.
You should message me if
You want to help me with my research. Do you have any funny/shameful things to share regarding online dating? Yes you do. Spill it. Spill it good.

You're not my biological father.

You are Canadian and/or have access to ephedrine and are willing to sell it to me.

Upon reading my profile, you were filled with disgust and want to send me hate mail. I do love me some hate mail.

You're bitchin' but endearingly humble about it.

You want to dazzle me.