Below is a light, ridiculous, and at least moderately funny version of a profile. I've gotten quite a few compliments on it (thank you), but few dates (one, to be exact--ugh). That, frankly, sucks. Seriously. Shame on you! So here's something more...
I'm a good guy. Apparently I'm not supposed to say that, but I am. I hold doors open for people. I remember birthdays. I help my mom out (and I'd help your mom out, too). I acknowledge strangers with a smile. I volunteer to help friends move. I'm nice. I'm respectful. I don't judge people. Do whatever makes you happy as long as you're not hurting anyone else. Wanna marry 12 people? That sounds like a lot of work, but as long as everyone is on board (and age appropriate, etc.), have at it. Do you identify as a cheetah? Good for you—just watch out for hyenas. (I am neither a cheetah nor a hyena, by the way.) Are you a dude who likes other dudes? Right on, I wish you nothing but love. Find your bliss—I'm just looking for mine.
I want the right things for the right reasons. I am far from perfect, but it's ingrained in me to treat people right and it bothers me immensely when I fall short. I do my best to make amends when that happens, which isn't all that often. It's weird for me saying all of this explicitly because I'm usually pretty modest, too, but I guess I have to sell myself better, so here we are. I'm cool with who I am—I'd just really prefer to be with someone. That's why I'm on here and hopefully/maybe this is where you come in.
I don't expect you to take my word on my good-guyness or sincerity. I fully intend on proving it to you. So give me that chance. If I send you message, please reply. I will leave you alone forever if you say that you're not interested. There's no sense in arguing about it—I get it. But if you are game, then let's talk. Please don't make me have to initiate everything, though. It's cool if you're shy, just say, “Hi." See how easy that is? It even rhymes. ☺ After we've chatted a bit, and once we're comfortable enough, let's meet in person at some public place to get to know each other better. I totally understand that online dating can be scary, especially for you lovely ladies, so I get being cautious. But this process doesn't really work unless we (eventually) spend time together. I'm not in a big hurry--it's fine to take it slowly--but let's keep our eye on the prize here.
Now back to our regularly scheduled silliness...
My sincerity in this endeavor is quite earnest, I swear; however, I have found online dating to be rather ridiculous. As such, my profile reflects the preposterousness of the situation. Some truths will be mixed in with the outrageous, and I'll denote those with bold text and a ☼ when appropriate, but don't take anything too seriously. Do feel free to giggle (or more), though.
...running a fantasy garden gnome league
...hugging strangers in elevators who look like they need it
...training pterodactyls to swim
☼...providing tech support for my family☼...so much fun
...beating wizards at Sorry (not sorry)
☼...Finding things ☼
☼...ummm...you know 😉 ☼
Movies: anything that has random appearances by moose
Shows: ☼ interesting/entertaining ones ☼ about mussels with muscles
☼ Music: jams ☼
☼ Food: mostly just the kind I like (I'm kinda picky, but I'm working on it) ☼
☼ 2. Stage time ☼
☼ (...if I may be a bit superficial, though comedy is important to me.) ☼
3. Zombies who pity mummies' mommies
4. Mummies' mommies who take pity on zombies' familial makeup
5. Dark matter
6. Fan mail from adoring geckos
...if monkey business is more serious than they let on
...if spiders would be less menacing if they had nipples.
...what my cat's voice would sound like if she spoke English with an Aussie accent.
...baking cookies to sell so I can raise money to afford to buy Girl Scout Cookies.
...you want to go breaking cartoon characters out of prison...☼or maybe just make out or something.☼
☼...you know, you just think it'd be nice to start a conversation and see where it leads and such. You don't have to wait on me, bust a move. ☼
☼...You like pistachio ice cream☼...but not too much.
☼...I messaged you first, even if only to say, "Nope." ☼