27North Hollywood, United States
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My self-summary
"Fiction is the truth inside the lie." - Stephen King

Recent transplant from Milwaukee. Doing my best.

I'm a guy who writes stuff. Sometimes it's prescient, other times it's drivel. I'm not sure where this qualifies, but I can venture to guess.

I can be reserved or outspoken depending on the situation. If I am surrounded by a pack of rabid squirrels, I will be outspoken about the fact that I would like to not be surrounded by a pack of rabid squirrels.

I'm adopted, so I can't really elaborate on my heritage. But It's probably something awesome. Like an Irish Jew. Matzah and guinness for everyone!

I enjoy trying new things, but still always fall back on old standbys (like sushi).

Sometimes I judge people (I'm looking at you, shirtless man in cowboy hat).

I've done a good amount of acting, but none during my college career, simply for lack of time. But I still love to perform and find myself slipping into that sort of a mentality in social situations on occasion.

I'm kind of neurotic. I really dislike people who press already lit elevator buttons.

I don't plan things. Plans usually change, and spontaneity works better anyway. If we go somewhere and I end up getting us killed, they can read this at our conjoined funerals and laugh.

I rarely eat breakfast, despite constantly being told it's the most important meal of the day. I will not be in the pocket of big breakfast.

I could probably put down an entire box of fruit snacks in one sitting.

Movies are my thing. I was going to be a film major until I realized "film major" and "waiter" are pretty much synonymous. So I settle for screen writing and watching as much cinema as I can.

New book smell > old book smell.

I'm a rational guy. I will go on your ghost hunt and heckle the shit out of you, possibly throwing peanuts at your head. Hopefully that doesn't ruin an EVP recording.

I love scotch. Lack of wherewithal usually restricts me to blended malts, but I'll go for a single every now and then.

One time Donald Trump threatened to have me arrested,
What I’m doing with my life
I'm working on those nebulous film projects that your barista always mentions.

Also bounty hunting and cotton candy vending. Simultaneously.

I'm not sure what I plan to do, exactly. And I don't think anyone ever is. The original plan was to work at a newspaper, but that's looking less and less feasible. So possibly bounty hunting or cotton candy vending. Or both. Simultaneously.

I'm a city person, and I'd love to move to New York (or anywhere on the east coast, really. I'm quite fond of Maine.)

I'd also love to backpack the world without getting roofied by a pack of Ugoslavian hipsters in a hostel closet.

My main goal will be to meet interesting people and have meaningful experiences. But none of this will matter when the dead start to rise in 2012 (COMMON KNOWLEDGE), in which case all of our lives will be occupied by looting and arguing with each other.

UPDATE: There was not, in fact, a zombie apocalypse in 2012. I have an entire room full of canned peas now, and nothing to do with them.
I’m really good at
I write. I don't know if it's good. It isn't really my place to judge. Apparently I've been successful at making people laugh. Maybe. Allegedly.

I've been told I'm a good actor, but it's been a while since that failed Pamela Anderson TV pilot.


Building multinational corporations.

Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
The first things people usually notice about me
Snarkiness or my bionic, steam-powered leg.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Too many films to name here. Far too many. But a few favorites include "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "Raiders of the Lost Ark," and " Let the Right One In."

Television taste is equally diverse, but I love "Party Down" and "Breaking Bad."

By way of books, I'm a big fan of Poe, Plath and Lovecraft. "The Mosquito Coast," by Paul Theroux, is one of my favorite novels.

Eclectic musical tastes. I mostly listen to classic rock, but will admit to having a crush on Tori Amos since I was 12. Other favorites: David Bowie, Eric Clapton, Paul McCartney, Liz Phair, The Cranberries, Iggy Pop.

I also get on 30's and 40's kicks where I'll blast Lena Horne all day.

I enjoy all sorts of food, but especially ones that don't poison me.
Six things I could never do without
1) Coffee
2) Film
3) Literature
4) Good Conversation
5) Music
6) Jokes
7) My flask
8) Adding excessive numbers to lists
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Existential things. Theology. Politics.

Then, other times things that aren't so important. The minutia of every day life. Sex, social conventions I don't understand, and things of that nature.

I also enjoy dissecting people's behavior. Like people who buy Axe body spray. Or the guy who decided that there should be a grapefruit flavored soda. Who are these people? What makes them tick?

Also, schemes to save money on car insurance without switching to Geico. There has to be a better way, goddamnit!
On a typical Friday night I am
There is no "typical" Friday night. I play it by ear.

So maybe a light dinner with the ghost of Steve Jobs or a rousing game of poodle Scrabble, which is like regular Scrabble, but with poodles.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I once tasted a schnozzberry that did not, in fact, taste like a schnozzberry. Angry letters were composed.

Also, I'm scared of buffets and hotel room bedsheets. Irrational? I don't think so.
You should message me if
1) You're a ghostbuster. Because that's awesome.

2) You read this entire thing in Michael Caine's voice.

3) You want to choreograph a synchronized dance to 80's music and perform it spontaneously inside a Sam's Club.

Please don't message me if you're a hoarder, as I don't want to die beneath a pile of pizza boxes and cat bones.
The two of us