35Chicago, United States
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My self-summary
Crazy ferret guy, disabled veteran, voracious reader, lover of all things goofy, making poor decisions and carving out a life here in beautiful Chicago. Something current, for once! Please don't hold the spastic profile against me, I haven't reviewed it in quite a while.

I'm an INTJ person. No really, it's painfully accurate.

I'm relentlessly polite to everyone. It's a condition I have, the anti-rude gene. At the same time, I've managed to cultivate a respectable group of nemises just by being my own straightforward self. (I'm great at pulling chains and getting goats.) I don't make social gaffes, I make social craters - even when I'm not trying!

I am generally quiet around new people, but crazy-whacked-out-schizo around my friends. I think they only keep me around to use me as a talking coatrack. I'm also a cynic (sorry, disillusioned optimist) who distrusts the masses' ability to do anything right, but can't help almost naïvely giving the individuals I meet the benefit of the doubt. Over and over. Like I said, a condition.

I love humor of all kinds, but my favorite types are black humor and things so nonsensical that you can't help but burst out laughing (kind of like my face). I'm always playing tricks on people, like rearranging someone's desk so it's opposite of the way it was, or hiding around corners to scare people.

I try to be really organized to combat the chaos, randomness, and forgetfulness inside my head. Sometimes it even works. I have the short-term memory of a squirrel on PCP. I can remember sitting in class in the fifth grade pondering the merits of buttons versus zippers in a pair of pants, but I'm lucky if I can remember what I was doing ten minutes ago. I'm a bit lysdexic too, which doesn't help any.

There was something else I wanted to type here, but I, uh... forgot what it was. See? I told you.

Oh, and I'm only a 95% match with myself. I am a sad, sad, little man.

I am bizarre, acerbic, and serious
What I’m doing with my life
I was in Iraq to get blown up and shot, so you don't have to.™

If I manage to make it out of here alive, I want to go to college to study architecture and structural engineering. And go to Taco Bell again. Mmm... tacos...

Newsflash November 2004! I'm back in Washington for a bit on R&R. Too bad I have to go back eventually...

Newsierflash July 2005! I'm back from Iraq, back through Germany, and PCS'd to El Paso now. I'm also looking for a good school to do long distance architecture learnings with.

Newsiestflash 2011! Been in Chicago for four years and trying to unbreak my military-induced injuries.
I’m really good at
Hopefully not getting blown up and shot. (See NEWSFLASHES up above.)

I can make funny out of anything, and generally do. While I can't toss out premanufactured jokes left and right (I get lost after the second "knock"; talk to my middle brother if that's what you're looking for), I can make anyone laugh with my special brand of reactionary humor. Except for Hitler, and not just because he's dead (he had a pathological fear of teh funnay). Just about any subject is fair game. I tend to get in trouble for this, though, since my mouth likes to say things before my brain has a chance to decide whether they're a good idea say or not, and especially when just about everybody around me outranks me.

When I'm bored, or distracted, or moving from place to place, or whatever, I like making weird noises - whether they're goose calls, random farts, new song ideas, it doesn't matter - if it comes to me, and my mouth isn't making noise already, I'll spout out whatever it is that comes to my head.

I also love words. Big words, deft words, cool words, silly words. Clever phrases and tricky tonguetwisters, all of it, it doesn't matter.
The first things people usually notice about me
I'm apparently freakishly tall. That's what everyone says, anyway. I'm normal size to myself, but lately I've been noticing that I *do* look down on just about everybody... literally!

Um, a lot of people say I have a big head, too. I wear a size 7 7/8 hat (damn the Army for teaching me hat sizes! I'm never wearing a hat again when I get out). Maybe it's proportional.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: My main love is the sci-fi scene, but I'll read anything and everything. Cosmos answered all kinds of questions I didn't even know I wanted the answers to, and made me ask a boatload more. I was fascinated with the world already, and that book didn't help any. I want Neal Stephenson to be my dad. I used to be a voracious reader. I read all of Tom Clancy's books in the two months after I read my first one (not counting his non-fiction). Wool is blowing my mind.

Music: I like anything from Alabama 3 to the Animanaiacs, Cake to Chumbawamba, Jem to Johnny Cash, Nine Inch Nails to No Doubt, The Prodigy to That One Guy, Vast to VNV Nation, just about everything.

Food: I have the taste buds of a five year old. Back into the walking contradiction vein, I like cheese, but not processed junk like Velveeta or those wrapped singles, and rarely on hamburgers. Ketchup only, dammit! And salads belong on a plate! I love oranges, and orange flavored things. I like apples, but not apple flavored things. I like grape and lemon flavored things, but not grapes or lemons. Apart from the previously mentioned burgers, Mexican food (quesadilla!) and teriyaki (gyoza!) are my favorite kinds of food. I have had very good sushi, though I don't like sushi.
Six things I could never do without
1. Air
2. Water
3. Food
4. Laughter
5. Life, limb, and eyesight (hah, I cheated!)
6. Profit?

This stupid deployment has made me realize how much I took for granted before. I never needed much anyway, so whatever.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
I liked the old question that was here, so I hereby reprint it in this section:

If you could trade brains with anybody, who would it be?

Myself, just to be able to say I had a brain transplant. Otherwise, I'd take Carl Sagan's brain... if it weren't so mushy at the moment.
On a typical Friday night I am
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
When I watched Sesame street as a kid, I thought that Oscar the Grouch had a big tunnel complex thingamawhatsit underground, with his trash can as the front door. I mean really, who wants to live in a trash can?

There's nothing really private about me, I'm either open about it (No no, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter.) or joking about it. Unless it's my penguin fetis-- err, did I say that out loud? Crap...
You should message me if
You get the hankering to? (NO, I AM NOT SOUTHERN (not that there's anything wrong with that), I JUST LIKE WEIRD WORDS)

OK, I think I need a bit more here. If you're looking for someone who can make you burst out laughing three minutes after meeting you, that'sa me. Don't let the uniform fool you, I'm a nutjob - in a good way. At the same time, I'm always looking for a good discussion, so feel free to start something interesting.

One last thing. It's gonna sound picky (it is) but please be able to spell 'you' and 'are' instead of 'u' and 'r', along with that other IM crap. Not knowing how to spell a word is OK, being lazy is just, uh, lazy. Yeah. :)
The two of us