The What's Your Major Malfunction (in Bed) Test

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Their result for The What's Your Major Malfunction (in Bed) Test ...

Herr Starr

35% Climax, 70% Carnality, 81% Control, 19% Caution

"Featherstone, could you see yourself kneeling behind me with a sawfish and thrusting it into my rectum yelling 'WHO'S THE MAN, WHO'S THE MAN'? Because that's currently the only way I can achieve even a glimmer of sexual satisfaction." –Herr Starr, Preacher

Dear, dear, dear. It certainly isn't easy being Herr Starr. Eros seems to enjoy coming by and taking you down a peg every so often. He gifted you with great sexual sophistication, but left you without a good outlet for your desires. Ah, shit. Guess there's only one thing to do: assassinate your boss, amass an army and start a world takeover.

But WAIT! We're going on the strength of the many-fish principle, remember? Besides, that sawfish was hyperbole; unlike Starr in the Preacher series, you have working equipment between your legs. No, in reality the main problem tends to be that you've become a little reliant on your hands and your tools (and perhaps on your porn?), making you a difficult person to satisfy.

You've brought your mighty intellect to bear on this problem, displacing some of your libido onto the mental aspects of sex. You probably enjoy holding your partner down, causing discomfort, maybe talking some trash. Carnal and submissive types, including The Steed and The Evil Genius, often get a real kick out of this. Just try not to lose sight entirely of the fact that others may find you scary as shit domineering.


Their Analysis (Vertical line = Average)

  • Climax Distribution

    They scored 35% on Climax, higher than 7% of your peers.

  • Carnality Distribution

    They scored 70% on Carnality, higher than 73% of your peers.

  • Control Distribution

    They scored 81% on Control, higher than 95% of your peers.

  • Caution Distribution

    They scored 19% on Caution, higher than 1% of your peers.

All possible test results


We feel absolutely terrible about how absolutely turned on we get just picturing someone like you getting into the kind of shit that you're likely to get into. Sorry, lemme rephrase that. Yo... Read more

Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham

"Everything is ruined forever!" - Dora, Questionable Content Everyone loves Hannelore - usually like a kid sister, if they aren't blind. It's not that you... Read more

Herr Starr

"Featherstone, could you see yourself kneeling behind me with a sawfish and thrusting it into my rectum yelling 'WHO'S THE MAN, WHO'S THE MAN'? Because t... Read more

The Steed

You are remarkably selfless for someone who only gets off once in a blue moon. But enough breath wasted on what you've probably heard a dozen times before. Steeds are stereo... Read more

Pure Acetylene! The Blowtorch

Folks have reported being scorched by the likes of you. We can't imagine why, no not at all :) The Blowtorch is a highly sexual personality that can't seem to find its own kill switch, for s... Read more

The Rocket

Say what you will, it's hard not to be impressed. The Rocket sits ready, launches into soaring orgasm, and then, keeps right on going. In men, this means repeated intercourse with a short refractor... Read more

The Evil Genius

Twenty-three-skidoo, it's The Evil Genius! You're evil alright, although not in the way most would think. No, you're like a primeval succubus from whose lair even the most h... Read more

The Rockstar

We spent quite a while coming up with the most flattering name we could think of. We hope you're proud. It's not that you're trashy. It's that we think you might be trouble. Your sincere pur... Read more

The Detainee

You're the go-go dancer in the cage at that retro club. You're the individual most likely to be seen tied up as an installation at a BDSM party. The Detainee may or may not be into certifiable "kin... Read more

The Comedian

"But sir, I am Pagliacci." - Rorschach, Watchmen You stand as an exem... Read more

The Bedweight

Sex is sex. When it's over, it's over. For you, it is generally over quickly, and then you roll over for a nice siesta. It's not that you're cold, or not into sex. But you're easily sated, a... Read more

The Wet Willy

Safely within the bounds of "normalcy" in terms of sexual appetite, the role of The Wet Willy is usually fraught with many times more anxiety than it deserves. True, in a few cases this resu... Read more

The Shape-Shifter

"They might be rain, they might be heat, they might be frying up a stalk of wheat..." –They Might Be Giants We don't feel ... Read more

The Team Player

Wait, that's not a dysfunction? You're not being mocked in some way? Well... there's probably something else terribly wrong with you, but it doesn't fall within the purview of this analysi... Read more

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