• Imagine if you will ... a time, and a place ... of your choosing. Where we might be enjoying a beverage and a conversation.

    It's really simple. Just choose the phrase you think you'd most likely say. If you can't find one that you'd say at all, skip the question.

    The test is centered on the 100-point Mitchell scale, which was completely pulled out of my ass, and named after the 1975 movie of the same name starring the inimitable Joe Don Baker. Joe Don Baker is Mitchell -- a hard-nosed, soft-bellied cop with an affinity for porn and Schlitz. His latest assignment has him engaging in no-speed car chases, yelling at children, shooting innocents and sloppily carousing Linda Evans. (TO DO: Name the scale after someone less crappy.)

    And -- of course -- please understand this isn't my entire breadth of conversational ability. And since I'm "giving" you responses, it's all a little contrived in the first place. But isn't this all? Come on.